Letters to the Unknown

I think I'm ready to share with you now. This is what happened.

Do you get days where you feel like a looser, where you are useless?

I shall start from the beginning.

Well now that I've quit dentistry, it's just a waiting period for me now before I audition for Melbourne Uni's Music Faculty. On Wednesday I went to Allan's music store and chatted with that manager dude who lets me play the Steinways pianos, and signed a 6 month contract to rent a piano. On top of that he called up this lady, called Mara Reichman, who is a really good piano teacher, and just 2 days ago (friday) i met up with her and we just chatted briefly.

Basically in that hour she asked about my music background but her problem is that she talks too much. brags a lot about her daughter who is the head of the piano department in the Australian Academy of music, etc etc. anyway, i also played a little for her, despite my 5 years out of practice. she said that i did the right thing to chuck away dentistry and go back to music. so i cried a little that time, just because someone professional acknowledges my doing. anyway, she also said that i should try to apply for the academy where her daughter is at. the funny thing is prior knowing about Mara, I wrote an email to Rita requesting piano lessons.

So having that prospect, naturally I felt a little better that I could rely on someone about my music things. Today Mara called me up and basically said that I may not meet the standards of the academy and asked me, "What do you want to do in the future with music? You mentioned you are a teacher now. Are you happy being a teacher in the future?" I said, ok, if that's the case. In my mind, I was like, what?! So first you say that I can have a chance to the academy, and possibly be taught by Rita, now you say that I may not be good enough to do anything but to teach!? Is that why i quit dentistry for? Well I was really low after that. I also mentioned that I've already applied for this National competition next year, but she was like, "oh no, don't do that, you'll never get in". Sure, she said that she's not trying to discourage me, but she hell knows how to put someone down. She also said that I'll never get into the schools in the USA, it's too much standard there.

Luckily I was meeting up with Russell (friend) later, because I think I was really vulnerable today. We sat by the Yarra, and I just broke down. I remember, when I told Victoria, my ex-piano teacher's wife, that I quit dentistry to do music, and that I want to apply for the USA, she was more than happy to help me e.g., write up a reference for me, on behalf of my teacher. She did not judge the fact that i was so out of practice. Sure, Mara probably is right in that I may not end up as a concert pianist, but that's not what I want anyway. I just think it's pretty unjust to put hopes up in a student and then later take it back and says she's not good enough. Truth kills, but this was really harsh. anyway I'm really lost. but I think Russell is right. I'm going to keep going to do what I plan to do. Apply for the USA, apply for this competition. I guess i'm ready for any failure, but hey, at least I try. Mara was like, don't apply unless you know you'll win. I guess that's the attitude a lot of teachers have. So did professor, my ex teacher.

I guess I am really lost. It's hard being the only person here and you can't rely on anyone else. I am also thinking, perhaps she said those harsh things after she had a day of thinking, which may have included the fact that I was a student of Viktor Makarov. I actually didn't really want to say, but she kept asking me, so I couldn't really dodge the question anymore. She paused after I told her. Perhaps she doesn't want any of his previous students to succeed or something. i dunno. But she keeps saying she wants to help me etc. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

Pretty depressed. yesterday on Swanston street, part of it was blocked off because a guy threatened to jump off the building. i was so angry to hear that. what does that put me? If life was so unworth it, then why the hell do the rest of us have to put up with it? Might as well do that too huh. Anyway, the dude didn't do it.