Letter to the Unknown

Love Concepts

Chobits: After I watched that, I felt soo depressed. Actually I started to feel depressed about it around episode 18 or so...I read the manga and all, but I guess I didn't fully comprehend the entire meaning up until now that so much shit had happened in life. The concept of love is so skewed, but then again, it truely does not matter what you love as long as you are happy with that love. But the idea of loving a robot...somehow it seems very possible in the future. Towards the end of the series, I was putting myself in the situation of Yuri, Chi and that teacher. And I can all relate to them. But then, it's so wrong to fall in love with an object that humans has put 'life' into, yet it's acceptable because this love is happiness to the person anyway. I can relate to that part as I love my pet rat...yet so many people are like "WHAT?! it's a fuckin' rat..." but hey, I guess in the eye of the beholder, you can see everything as how you want to, feel how you want to feel.

I would hate to be in any of anyone's situation in Chobits though...argh...love fucks everything up. Of course it does mend everything too. I guess I haven't really been in love yet. Or maybe I have but I don't want to admit it because in the end it just hurt everything I had. Perhaps this dreamer is too busy dreaming about her future she has no time for love, and to see how important love is to someone else, can really hit her in the stomach and go, hey perhaps I am missing out. So, after episode 24, I just listened to Tiesto again and again, just to mend my broken heart. I don't know, up until this I really didn't have time to slow down and listen to my inner child, and see how bruised she has been. But basically, I'm so skeptical about love and relationships, that I keep reminding myself, it's more important to be selfish and pursue what I want in life, which is happiness. Happiness, to some, is love, as it is in Chobits; happiness, to others, is thyself, as in career; happiness, to someone else, can be peace, inner peace...but it's all ultimately, happiness.

What makes you happy? For sure, music makes me happy. I'm happy when I listen to it, when I make it, when I play it with my band, and by myself. But I know also, that love makes me happy. But like I mentioned, even admitting that makes me cringe because to admit it, is to say that I also want it. But to want something like love, is also very suicidal (in my terms) as it has caused many pain. Of course, this pain just makes me a stronger person, but then truely, it just adds another layer to the onion of my character. But the more layers this dreamer gets, the more stronger she becomes, yet at the same time, the colder and ultimately, more brittle she will be. One day, she will break because of this. Actually, she sometimes believes that one day, if she does meet someone who shows her, what love is, and what falling in love is truely like, she won't even know of that it's actually falling in love, because of all the hurt and pain, and all that cold skepticism in her, which blinds her too deep.

I have a friend who said to me, that I need to surround myself with beautiful, gentle and positive things. I think she is right, as I am a person who tends to adapt quite well, albeit slowly, with her environment, but it's more like a camouflage mechanism, so she won't get hurt. I guess what I admire about people who dare to love so deeply, e.g., they are able to put themselves after the person they love so much, to gain this happiness for themselves, but more so for the other. It's so ironic, love.