The Dreaming

Home

2008-03-22T02:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have a home! It's been 5 years since I can actually call a place where I find permenancy and security...yet again, I have been living in public housing for some time.

It's even stranger having the place to yourself, even if it's only for a week. The space, quietness and freedom to do absolutely ANYTHING is overwhelming. I am terrified of downstairs when the TV is off -I prefer to be in my room, door closed and within the visible comfort of my bedroom walls. My little pet rat, Cheesecake, is my solace here, and without a doubt she is absolutely sick of my constant nagging dependency to hug her.

Yet, it is blissful. I am grateful. Oh, so grateful!

dear oh dear

2007-09-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. God. FINALLY MY ESSAYS ARE DONE!!!!!!! Now this has to be a record of my life (provided I don't do this again..): 3 essays, completed in 10 days -from the beginnings of choosing the questions to finishing references !!!!! ARGH I'm now so excited I can't even sleep. What lovely topics (not music subject) they were:

Criminology: Proposed a reform to the prison system for Victorian women prisoners.
Music: some random crap about Monteverdi. Did that in 2 days..
Psychology: Discussed effects of early deprivation in kids.

Heavy stuff! My brain fries nicely in its cranium. I have read and written so much that i can't even write properly, and in constant agitation due to the lack of words left in there...

I am spent, I am spent.

My relationship with gummy bear

2007-09-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

I love them.

They keep me on my toes.
They keep me high.

They warm my fingers.
They smile at me.

They keep away the sleeping bug,
So I can blast away in a jam.

But if I have too much of them,
I pop.

And,
This is the shittiest poem
I have ever wrote.

Bee wax

2007-06-30T18:12:00.000-07:00

I am finally off the Vodafone prepaid and broke my fear of commitment to sign a 2 year contract with Three.

Very shiny, sleek looking Sony Ericsson z610i. Although longer in length than my old phone, the LG4015, the capabilities of this phone is sweet. I'm not much of a gadget person, so I'll leave all alternative information to you guys.

Last week I was offered employment in, ironically, AB Orthodontics, a major orthodontic supplier company. This defines my week into a back-to-back, go-go-go, non-stop pumping iron-hot clad. In other words, I seek time to breath in between the day, night and weekend jobs!

Nevertheless, I prefer being busy than bored out of my wits. Although I do wish to pay Sydney a visit, now that a dear friend of mine has moved there for a while, the thought is more than tempting...

Four AM

2007-06-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

My dearest, most beloved Cheesecake is now my love of all time. Sure she has always been a part of my heart but as they say, time can break or make relationships and, in this case...it has nurtured my dear little one to one crazy little pumpkin.

At friend's place now, and this surge of wanting to blog has potentiated to me signing online. It was an absolute misfortune to see how boring, frankly, the Music Faculty end of exams party was...ah, there goes my toast..

Ok reading back to what I just wrote it sounds totally UFO

Been

2007-06-11T22:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a while (again) since I last posted a genuine, up-to date-, what-the-hell-is-she-on-about post. Although I can say I was busy, who wasn't? Some major highlights of the past few months have been nicely blended into my daily life that I cannot tell it apart from it's initial excitement, however, I am very aware that I cannot take caffeine as I used to be able to! Having major heart palpitations to the extent I thought I was going to have a cardiac arrest was not a delicious aftertaste...let alone the hyper-angstiness of my brain was sufficient to warrant some sort of mental-illness conviction.

As 6 months into this new direction has bypassed, and only one more exam to go to conclude the 1st semester into Music/Psychology/German, one cannot help but wonder where does time, truly go to? I can still remember the last rave I conquered -Gatecrasher- like it was only last month. Yet...several features of this time travel has already encompassed many-a-events I cannot possibly recall all in one go.

Let's just say there is one thing I like to broadcast here, as an advantage to exploit some ethical awareness in this wide world of cybernet. Have you ever wondered the essence of arrogance in those who just happen to possess certain skills that they may be considered a 'superior' to their counterparts? Either that or pure pride. Having walked out of her piano exam, this young 18 year old was joyfully and ecstatically jumping up and down, claiming her 'perfection' in her exam. Needless to say, whilst she was bathing in all her glory and assumed victory to her friend, a few of the other nervous first years were and definitely, within ear-shot and visual range of this exuberant array of behaviour. Personally, I was down-right disgusted. Sure, you may have gunned down your exam, but it is by no means and justification that you can exploit that, to further degrade the already depleting confidence levels of your peers. Secondly, to have such skills in the first place is by no means a tool for you to glorify your talent. And don't tell me that you're only human to have done this...so were those who saw you.

Addicted to Armin

2007-06-11T22:18:00.001-07:00

My god. What a night. You'd expect him to spin off with some mellow warm-up (as what other DJs usually do), but...by the time we arrived (11pm), the arena was well into full swing. The music was a great mixture of trance, progressive and little minimal (thanks Armin). I would daresay his style can pave way for "Commercial Trance" if one could exist.

The idea of all dressed in white poses a very elegant look for this concert. Although I had quite a bit of trouble searching for a good white top, the amount of time invested into such expedition nevertheless paid off...

For all who are yet to become more acquainted with the sounds of Armin, this is not something to kid about. Give yourself the liberty to open up to a new dimension of fantastic auditory entertainment...although do be a little patient -I, for one, definitely took some time off after hearing the first few tracks of his, having found them a bit too strange to deal with at first!

Now, I'm just dealing with some minor deaf issues after that heavy sound blasting (being right in front of the speakers!)

SCREAMING FISH

2007-04-29T06:02:00.000-07:00

A
RR
RRR
RRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRR! !RRR
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGG
GGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGG
GG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GG
G GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG G
HHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHH HHHHHH
HHH HHH
HH HH
HH HH
!! !!

The Road Not Taken

2007-04-21T04:51:00.000-07:00

Let's just say for the past 2 weeks or so my mind went on a mini-retirement. Sometimes, to have a little pressure is good -in healthy amounts, it can stimulate challenge and a drive for improvement. However, like everything else, an excess in a particular 'something' is aversive: the withdrawal symptom. Perhaps that's what was happening in the past fortnight...in fact, I had such a negative feeling towards even going near the piano that, when Ron asked me to play for him at my lesson, I had to swallow tears into my stomach.

After acknowledging this unhealthy situation, I finally spoke to Ron about it. I'm glad that we both came to a mutual conclusion that the psychology of a musician is very important and fragile...especially for one who is just getting into the groove of things, as one as myself. I shall spend 365 days to pick up my scattered bits and pieces, and hopefully put them together to give a better picture for everyone.

Besides the music...

Cheesecake is pregnant again! I wonder how many she will have this time.

There is not one day I am haunted by the ghost of dentistry. How does one 'get over' this 'breakup' without going a little senile?

I cannot help but stop my mind wondering back 5 years ago, where a poem by Robert Frost solidified in my head as the last parting words of a friend. I will share it with you, and you should think carefully about his words...what was/is this road, for you?

Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.

1. The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

(Except, in hindsight, I just realised it is full of negative connotations...haha, took me long enough to see that!)

New Tidings!

2007-04-10T23:38:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been a while.

After 6 weeks of heavily intense and let me tell you, PACKED schedule, I am finally on my path to rekindle with my happiness. Alongside the German, Psychobable and music academics, fitting in a few hours of piano practice certainly has tested my organisation skill. Apart from nearly inflating a warning tendonitis in my right arm from such excessive practice (after 4 years of dormant piano activity!), I have gone and collected my scattered bird brain pieces to battle the 5 years of heavy education. Ha!

Besides that, I'm still teaching and what nots.

Yesterday I had a killer haircut! For a while I've been fantasising about getting my hair this short, however, having the guts to do so is another matter. No more! Fear has been chopped off my my heavy duty South American hairdresser, whose huge ass biceps just made the hair scissors look like candy. However. After my hair has been swept away from the floor, the mirror certainly gave quite a different impression. Such fun, cutting hair.

Again I pause at this keypad. It has been a while since I visited this site, and am surprised it still stands. I have concluded the importance of this site as a journey between the transition of the state of mind. One, as a former Dental student; another, as a fellow Arts student.

So now I'm going to take a trip back to Memory Lane...

Enrollment

2007-03-01T15:50:00.000-08:00

Wow, the beauty of choosing the subjects you want to do! Back then, everything was compulsory, which meant doing subjects that are considered quite unrelevant to the exact practise of Dentistry...however, this time I have decided to use the combination of Arts/Music/Languages as my advantage! Muhaha.

Yes, of course it's tough, what do you think?! But I'm having a ball here as it is something I can do well. At least by attending the class I have the questions in my head answered by someone who can provide me with the answers I seek.

Finally I feel like I'm breathing...

yes baby

2007-02-18T08:24:00.000-08:00

Alright, I got accepted into Diploma of Modern Languages! German, here I come. Very glad...this means now I can also do another wacko subject in the Arts degree, alongside that my degree in Music. hmmm. That would be 5 years, thank you.

(....)

2007-02-17T21:58:00.000-08:00

fuck it.

my Valentines

2007-02-13T08:55:00.000-08:00

This will be a dedication to my pets who had bought a bit of their life into mine...and mine, into theirs.

Auski, thank you for your patience and a big soft heart you have hidden under that fluffy body size. Considering I was quite a little girl when we first met -and you, a little puppy - I matured much more slower than you which, was quite a disadvantage to you as I still needed someone to annoy. However, you were always there when I needed you, even though I may not have realised it until now. I am sorry I wasn't there while you had your last breath...but if the gods may, to share a part of my life with you again, would be more than I can ask for.

Cheesecake, thank you for your adorable little face. Being the sterotyped rat of such 'scientific' nature, you had proven me wrong in believing that you had no long-term memory. In fact, your memory is so superb you still respond to your name, my mood swings, my annoying belly scratches whilst you are trying to burrow in your sleep and many more stupid little things that I cherish. Although your overly-cautious nature had earned you hostility points, you will always have a place in my heart.

The other day, mum was chatting with a lady who was walking a beautiful Japanese dog with amber fur. Afterwards I was informed that the dog was still a puppy, but blind after a terrible disease it commonly gets. The lady found the puppy behind a pile of trash by the road a few months ago, and she nursed it back to health.

Some people purchase animals with a "Honeymoon" attitude that is fuelled by the natural cute looks of a needy, dependent baby animal. Once they realise this animal is not as what they believed in the first place, they will throw it away -piece of trash, or decide to use them for other purposes. What hurts me the most, is that it is these animals that are sick, or disabled, or dependent for care -that needs the most love above all. To throw away something you have responsibility in, is a lack of human nature. But that's not all...to abuse them, torture them, gain a bit of 'cheap thrill' through their pain, all in the knowledge that you would not like such actions upon yourself...then I curse you die in more painful ways.

Valentine's day -what is the meaning of this when Hallmark has stocked all dollars and anticipating a rise in their market? Is it just purely an exchange of chocolates and cards between couples, or can we break away from this commercial cycle and elaborate its meaning? Do something you never had done for someone you truely cherish -whether or not it is your partner, your friends, your family or your pet - the difference will be there. I sure did something I never had done before...which , although is trespassing my cautiousness, I believe in all its worth.

We are all like pets in need -to love and be loved. Remember: love is not a stock market.

Wish you all to love, and be loved in return.

-Linda

Valentine's

2007-02-13T08:33:00.000-08:00

Last year this time, I celebrated this commercially successful day with a group of single friends like myself. This year, I miss this date by one week, yet again not experiencing the true physical being of that day...however, I don't complain (smiles).

A few revelations from the past few days and hours and minutes just prior to this excerpt of my blah.

Firstly: my issue with my right tonsil is never ending. It is just beyond spoilt to the extent of causing unecessary pain to even a bit of exhaustion. Ridiculous.

Secondly: my goal in life has become less hazardous in that I have now fully believe that dentistry will no longer be a part of it. Which, unfortunately enough, has also opened a few more doors of opportunity...which can be dangerously clouding my judgement.

Thirdly: two halves of my paranoia has come to war within my splitting head. For the time being I shall vanquish the evil demon that summonds the god of fear and shame. For the time being, I will let love and hope shine its light upon the field of grass.

Forthly: i am so lazy with holiday that I had forsaken my music assignment I had set upon myself. Disappointing and discouraging.

As Chinese New Year is creeping up, so is my return flight back home...Melbourne. Yes, I have finally found home. I guess that is the biggest revelation of all...for I've been searching for the meaning of home for a while. With that in mind, I ask myself: What is the meaning of home? I can now safely answer that question. It is the place where you are most happiest.

2 weeks to go. a.k.a Deep Rising

2007-02-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

After a mini-crisis last night I realised how much of myself I have left in Melbourne. Aside from the obvious adoration I have for my mates, I find myself reflecting back to little things like the pavement, street architecture, buildings, and the whole 'vibe' it cultivates. Upon this reflection I compare that with my current situation, and although it is not bad here at all, I am anxious to return. Plus...I miss my dear little Cheesecake sourly.

Yesterday, attempted a piano marathon with new pieces that Ron handled to me. It's not as bad as it all seems...exception, of course, is the Lizt Ballade No.2 (putting that off for the moment).

I was comparing the photos of myself between now and last year, around the same time. It is odd how despite minimal weight fluctuations, how much fitter I seem this time, compared to the more 'flaccid' look I had last year. It is beginning to curb my previous doctrine that I look better untanned...

After intensely watching Deep Rising whilst on the cross-trainer (for 1.5 hour) at the Alexander Health Club (which, sadly, is becoming the equivalent of Fitness First...) I began to question the importance of survival. How important is it, to live? Why is there a notion of fearing death?...is fear perhaps, a fruit of venturing into the unknown?

So my question to you, my dear readers, is this: what is the most important thing in your life, right now, that makes you want to live? For example, if there was a sudden accident that occured on the plane on my way back and the plane's falling, I would want to live because of my loved ones. It may seem quite uncanny as I am such an ambitiously orientated person...but there are things in life you cannot ever take for granted.

Dear friends,

2007-01-29T07:20:00.000-08:00

I spent today exploring the city of Kaoshiung, Taiwan. And gee, what's with the attitude of the fuckin' bus driver? First time on the bus, and it's a 'no change' policy...I had only notes (price = $NT12)...question: do you have change?...answer: (blank face). Repeat. Then he yells at me: ifidonthavechangewhatdoyouwantmetodoeheh,eheh,eh? Jesus, chill man. Ijf I had a club I'll no doubt make him a vegetable on the spot. If I had less tolerance I would chew him to pieces and spit the bones out for the poor starving stray dogs...ok that's very harsh considering he may have been a busey for a long while (hence explaining the terrible temper)...but evil Linda was temporary stuffed back into the box. I don't want to cause cardio damage to the elderleys. Nor do I want to be convicted before I return back.

After that ordeal I stopped off at the Kaoshiung Central Station, and with thanks to my dad's map of the city I embarked on a 2 hour walking escapade down the equivalent (or not so equivalent) of Swanston Street, Melbourne/George Street, Sydney & Co., meanwhile getting myself a little lost here and there. Huge ass roundabouts, mind you. As big as the ass of a building...

Final destination: department stores. I retreated my poor buggered feet to the movie floor and bought ticks to see Ben Stiller in Night at the Museum. I think I still prefer Happy Feet.

A kind word of warning to future travellers:
Yes, Taiwan is indeed more polluted. Why, my boogers are all black! (compare white boogers in Melbourne). Actually, do they do stats on booger colours? Hmm. Now that would be interesting!

to vent:an opening, as in a wall, serving as an outlet for air, smoke, fumes, or the like.

2007-01-26T09:35:00.000-08:00

The power of emails nowadays, it makes me feel like i'm ageing too fast for modern technology. Or perhaps I'm just ageing too fast to catch up with adulthood.

Feeling down and lonesome today. Perhaps it's the fact I have a little piece of Melbourne in my room, or perhaps I'm just experiencing withdrawal symptoms after 3 days here (anecdotally it usually occurs between the 1-2.5 weeks upon terminus in Taiwan), or perhaps it's just way past my bedtime and I'm beginning to confuse sadness with sleepiness. Well there, I'm dyslexic anyway, so that makes a few sense.

dyslexia:
<clinical sign> A term used to describe a condition in which an individual with normal vision is unable to properly interpret written language. Dyslexia is more common in males and is often first recognised as a reading difficulty in the first grade. Individuals can see and recognise letters but are unable to spell and write words. They have no impairment of object or picture identification. Dyslexia is not related to intelligence and in fact several famous scholars were thought to be dyslexic (for example Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison). The exact cause of dyslexia is unknown.

No kidding, I think my dyslexia is quite a late onset, and it usually happens around the time my brain begins to shut off from sleepiness.

Today at piano practise, I also experienced a mild dyslexia with my fingers as my brain could 'hear' the correct sequence of notes, yet physically I was unable to perform that function until a thrice repeated playing. It was somewhat disturbing, as I never experienced that before.

Now why am I talking about a neurological condition?

Blurb and a bit

2007-01-24T17:58:00.000-08:00

Gee, I really had neglected this site in the recent weeks, haven't I?

Suppose nothing much did happen after Sydney, although most of my time were occupied with organisation of my room (IKEA!) and desparately earning back the money I feverishly spent in the past couple of weeks. Hence explaining my crammed schedules and the resulting 'you look like you're drugs' response from my fresh Melbourne University student ID...damn those dark circles under my eyes. Yes, you, I have issues with you.

So I'm now officially a music/arts student. About time.

Oh and yes. Currently I'm updating on my dad's laptop in Kaoshiung, Taiwan. Arrived after a very quick 10 hour flight 2 days ago (quick because the plane was quite empty and I did not hesitate to use the vacant seat next to me), and gosh, does time fly...

Will continue my jorney here.

SYDNEY!

2007-01-08T21:53:00.000-08:00

...was fantabulously awsome. With three intense-packed days of gorging George Street and being a down-right tourist (strangely enough...) I allowed myself to be awe-struck with the higher building skylines. However admist all the strange 'new' smells (versus Melbourne smells) there was the spice of nostalgia lingering at the back of my head. Being a resident of Sydney for 12 years it is wonderous to return back to look through with different perspective. Like a photograph, the composition will change dramatically with the slightest change of camera angle...

Sydney vs. Melbourne-(CBD only)
Food: Much more variety and cheap flavorous eats available in Sydney.
Fashion: ha...what's with the mullet cuts and the macho try-hard looks in Sydney males?
Traffic: Sydney loves its No Left Turns
Condensation: Instead of being limited to being drunk and dancing at 3am along George st to the weekends, weekdays is not only an exception, but more numerous...
Greater Union: It's a whole new world to see Hugh Jackman's face in The Prestige to suddenly expand and explode in colours as the film dies in the middle of a climax. Well, now I have a free movie ticket!
Big shot names: Sydney sure loves its extravagance -the use of ...Ba Kut Teh King, Noodle King, Comic King, Pastry King...a.k.a. KING, and... WORLD is over-used. Why "World Square", "World Stadium" when it's only down under?

Despite its modesty, I still love Sydney.

Battle the greyhounds

2007-01-02T22:08:00.000-08:00

Third day of '007. I find myself mentally occupied every hour, my expression nonetheless blank. Perhaps it's an over-dosage of thoughts dispelled into my mush brain mass...god, you know what, I don't want to write today.

blah

2006-12-26T21:46:00.000-08:00

I'm too tired to write about it, due to lack of sleep from heavy raving. But, after that, my body couldn't stop grooving automatically to any music.

and...she is alive

2006-12-17T17:08:00.000-08:00

Food poisoning is deadly. I shall bypass the details that may evoke certain gastrointestinal dysfunctioning. It must have been me littering in the Yarra river....(I never littered before, and this is the river god's punishment...wah)

Will keep this short and simple. Friday was my big day:

Day: After arriving at the ABC (dragging Steph my roommate with me) at around 1.30pm, we waited until 3.10pm for my audition. Let's just say, my warm up consisted of talking about boys, life and blah, plus the feel goodness of jazz improvs, Rasmus Faber and chill out riffs. As a result, my mood was highly sensitised to 'let's boogy' instead of 'let's get serious' which, somewhat sadly, contributed to my highly-relaxed-therefore-slack state of attitude when it came to me playing in front of three strange looking men (adjudicators). Conclusively, if I do pass to the next round, it would be by sheer luck. Otherwise, I congratulate myself nevertheless, for entering something so massive after only 2 months of preparation plus 6 years of non-competing activities.

Night: DJ graduation party. I forgot to bring my first track...but, starting off with the second track wasn't too bad. A pity a few of my friends missed my spin, however, just to see my music making people feel groovy makes up for it all. As my nerves were pretty stretched during the daytime, it was somewhat more settled for the night. Dancing to Mark John's mixes were awsome...

I appreciate all the good will my friends gave me during the times of stress, and happiness, and of course, when I was bed-ridden and looking like a drove-through furball. Although I don't believe in a God God, ...God bless you all.

wax wax away

2006-12-13T04:51:00.000-08:00

What's a good way of getting wax out of your ears? Have been pondering that question for a while now. There's this burning stick thing that you put in the canals, yea? It supposedly sucks them out or something...if God created the fingers small enough to pick our noses,what about a sixth little 'finger' skinny enough for us to pick our ears....?

Compression

2006-12-11T18:05:00.000-08:00

Melbourne weather is so deceiving. Looking out the window, the sun is shining, trees barely rustling, and clear, blue sky. So, slap on a summery top, a skirt, walk out...and the chills hit you. Damn you, weather! *fists of fury*

Rambles (after reading this I realised I didnt' make any sense)

2006-12-09T00:14:00.000-08:00

I am no more knowledgeable in the fields of economics than a worm in water. In fact, all through my little years I have downsized the dollar sign to shopping and meager earnings that the idea of investment is just mind blowing. However. After becoming a member at Border's and therefore to the resulting mass email advertisement to the newly released Donald Trump and Robert Kiyosaki's Why We Want You to be Rich , I find myself downloading information about the tremendous effects of the oil depletion crisis on the bleak world financial situation into my head....yet, not solely based on so much the 'methods' of becoming rich, the anecdotal inscriptions within provide a motivational and inspirational approach to life.

Which comes to my main point today. One day after DJ class, I was lightly entertained by my headmaster and our guest of honour (remember the face, can't remember name). We eventually dwelled onto the topic of the very much discussed, and very much debated on...life, and its meaning, upon which our guest directly said "...life, it's all about moderation. You can't have too much of anything; nor too little. Have food in moderation. Have water in moderation. Have fun in moderation. Have sex in moderation. Never too much -never too little."

Makes sense, yes?

Well, up to a point. I have been a believer of that quote up until I read the book referred above. The problem is, if life is all about moderation, where does the risk factor come into? We all know, variety makes life interesting, it is the spice in our dish, the icing on the cake. To have variety, evolution jumped ahead of its gene line and mutated, i.e., took a risk to be different. There are the 50% who are afraid to lose; then there are the 50% who are there, to win. Risk factor: the edge that pushes you to be different from someone who was once in the same league as you.

Investment is, but not all, about risk taking. I remember, my uncle was once really into investment in the stock market. I overheard my mother complaining about that to my dad: she was not a believer of risk taking actions, of any kind. Also a believer that investment is a gambling act, and being the saintly non-alcoholic, non-card playing, non-sinning role model of the family, she subsequently embedded the negative connotations of investment into my small brain.

But...that, in my opinion, and yes I am biased after reading such economically based books, is the mindset of a middle class orientation. In essence, I find myself a fussy picker of jobs, as I require a certain amount of freedom and expression of 'power' along with my work. Needless to say, it has greatly narrowed my job options. However, working is not only about the money...it's part of the reason. You have to grow with whatever job is offered to you, just as the job will grow with you. Ok I'm side-tracking...the main point is, it's all about the mindset. If you choose wisely with what surroundings you put yourself in, both you and your environment will inter-flourish and, subsequently, so will the money.

I invite all thee to...

2006-12-04T19:43:00.000-08:00

The DJ short course at Melbourne DJ Mixing School has come to a finale! After learning for 10 weeks the skills and intricate coordination required, my love for this skill has increased to a possible serious potential.

For anyone interested in this intensely huge night, come on over to the Circus Bar. Let me know your name and anyone else you are bringing so I can put you down as my guest, who gets a special rate of $7.00. As the graduates will start spinning at 8.30pm, please make your entrance no later by that time!

As a pretty suave and classy club, dress code is smart casual. So, hop in your best club gear, and let's party!

For my internationally based friends, no fear. Who knows, one day I may just happen to bring the party to your doorstep.

Matrix of words

2006-11-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

As it's difficult to write, at times, it's the most important way of communication.

Cyberspace
It's interesting to see how the world can shrink to the size of your monitor, whereby you travel by clicks on the mouse. On your virtual way to the grocer, you may be accompanied by a friend from another side of the world whilst listening to music freshly downloaded not so long ago...all accomplished whilst sitting in a chair.

Then there's the odd types of people who happens to float by your window. All in different shapes, sizes, colour, text, fonts...and of course, intentions. Faceless 'human beings' configured temporarily to neutral visual words concealing all their pimply skin that they try so desperately to burst every morning.

Enough bullshit. Set aside the real-world-death from virtual homocide (War of Warcraft!), cyber-brain-washing from sick-minded people, platonic cyber-penpals, etc...my question today is, does cyber-fidelity embrace any meaning? Incidents of cyber-affairs between married people, yet with the physical attachment limited to the keypad and visual excitement of photos...and words, have torn apart 'real' marriages. Trust is fragile, perhaps it's more dictated by the honest emotion two people share for another. In this sense, does logic explain?

Real-world
It's hard enough already..., let along living another life online. But even in the real-world, we all put on our masks for different parts of it. There's a mask for friends, another for strangers, acquaintances, family...but which is real? When we sleep? When we are un-clothed?

I believe our existence/soul is analogous to a diamond. Each abrasion is another fine cut to the stone. To peer through one surface of the gem is not equivalent as to peering through another. Reflection of colours are altered, simply by the way it's cut, and by the point of perception. There is no 'absolute' truth to the soul. It just, is. It may so happen that 'family' is at 'surface A', whilst 'friends' is at 'surface B', etc. Different windows reflect different attitudes, yet still all belong to the same, united core.

Gee, do I make any sense at all...words are like puzzles, need to find the right fit to make the right picture!

Cyber Lube

2006-11-21T03:36:00.001-08:00

What can it be?

Dear Crappers of the World

2006-11-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

Perhaps it's about time the government pose a compulsory campaign for improving customer attitude to workers in the hospitality field. Not only do checkout chicks/ studs have to slave their ass off for our forever impatience with the line, their strained smile betrays the sleepless nights over their diminishing bank figures. Not only do we demand for quality service, cheap food, delicious cuisine, but have we also forgotten that they are also, human?

It disgusts me, how much abuse hospitality people cope from their company, their managers, co-workers and the people they are serving. Their "How do you do", or "What can I do for you", the "What would you like today" has become somewhat meaningless if you decide to just receive, but not give.

Why don't we all show a little respect and courtesy to them next time, when it's our chance to ask them how they are doing, whether or not they had a good weekend...instead of being socially lazy all the time?

Letter to the Unknown

2006-11-18T19:16:00.000-08:00

Love Concepts

Chobits: After I watched that, I felt soo depressed. Actually I started to feel depressed about it around episode 18 or so...I read the manga and all, but I guess I didn't fully comprehend the entire meaning up until now that so much shit had happened in life. The concept of love is so skewed, but then again, it truely does not matter what you love as long as you are happy with that love. But the idea of loving a robot...somehow it seems very possible in the future. Towards the end of the series, I was putting myself in the situation of Yuri, Chi and that teacher. And I can all relate to them. But then, it's so wrong to fall in love with an object that humans has put 'life' into, yet it's acceptable because this love is happiness to the person anyway. I can relate to that part as I love my pet rat...yet so many people are like "WHAT?! it's a fuckin' rat..." but hey, I guess in the eye of the beholder, you can see everything as how you want to, feel how you want to feel.

I would hate to be in any of anyone's situation in Chobits though...argh...love fucks everything up. Of course it does mend everything too. I guess I haven't really been in love yet. Or maybe I have but I don't want to admit it because in the end it just hurt everything I had. Perhaps this dreamer is too busy dreaming about her future she has no time for love, and to see how important love is to someone else, can really hit her in the stomach and go, hey perhaps I am missing out. So, after episode 24, I just listened to Tiesto again and again, just to mend my broken heart. I don't know, up until this I really didn't have time to slow down and listen to my inner child, and see how bruised she has been. But basically, I'm so skeptical about love and relationships, that I keep reminding myself, it's more important to be selfish and pursue what I want in life, which is happiness. Happiness, to some, is love, as it is in Chobits; happiness, to others, is thyself, as in career; happiness, to someone else, can be peace, inner peace...but it's all ultimately, happiness.

What makes you happy? For sure, music makes me happy. I'm happy when I listen to it, when I make it, when I play it with my band, and by myself. But I know also, that love makes me happy. But like I mentioned, even admitting that makes me cringe because to admit it, is to say that I also want it. But to want something like love, is also very suicidal (in my terms) as it has caused many pain. Of course, this pain just makes me a stronger person, but then truely, it just adds another layer to the onion of my character. But the more layers this dreamer gets, the more stronger she becomes, yet at the same time, the colder and ultimately, more brittle she will be. One day, she will break because of this. Actually, she sometimes believes that one day, if she does meet someone who shows her, what love is, and what falling in love is truely like, she won't even know of that it's actually falling in love, because of all the hurt and pain, and all that cold skepticism in her, which blinds her too deep.

I have a friend who said to me, that I need to surround myself with beautiful, gentle and positive things. I think she is right, as I am a person who tends to adapt quite well, albeit slowly, with her environment, but it's more like a camouflage mechanism, so she won't get hurt. I guess what I admire about people who dare to love so deeply, e.g., they are able to put themselves after the person they love so much, to gain this happiness for themselves, but more so for the other. It's so ironic, love.

Tiesto's Just Be, sang by Kirsty Hawkshaw

2006-11-18T19:13:00.001-08:00

You can travel the world
But you can't run away
From the person you are in your heart
You can be who you want to be
Make us believe in you
Keep all your light in the dark
If you're searchin for truth
You must look in the mirror
And make sense of what you can see
Just be
Just be

They say learning to love yourself
Is the first step
That you take when you want to be real
Flying on planes to exotic locations
Won't teach you
How you really feel
Face up to the fact
That you are who you are
Nothing can change that belief
Just be
Just be

'cause now I know
It's not so far
To where I go
The hardest part
Is inside me
I need
To just be
Just be

Just be
Just be
Just be

I was lost
And I'm still lost
But I feel so much better

'cause now I know
It's not so far
To were I go
The hardest part
Is inside me
I need
To just be
Just be

Today

2006-11-16T16:23:00.000-08:00

I'm getting high on Tiesto. But that's an everyday thing anyway.

Oh my, I'm getting my equipments next Monday night. God, excitement is too much for this dreamer, she may

1. Combust from all the highness
2. Lock herself up permantely in the room and just dilate
3. Hyperventilate

Well there goes my savings. One meal per day, here I come!

The weird and wonderful

2006-11-12T22:45:00.000-08:00

What's your name again?

2006-11-12T05:15:00.000-08:00

One April night...my slightly happy roomate, her boyfriend and their friend asked for my presence...

When I'm high...

2006-11-12T02:46:00.002-08:00

...I like to jump off things. Anything. From one stair to six floors up in a building. Sure, it can kill me, but I like to think about that later.

Peace.

Things that irritates me II

2006-11-12T02:46:00.001-08:00

"...petite dainty asian girls who consider themselves too delicate for the sun, the sports, the outdoors and relies heavily on popular merchandise, cosmetics and the intangible whining and dependency on men's money."

Think about this.

2006-11-12T02:24:00.000-08:00

Everyday, I am thankful for something.

Last week, I was thankful for a few things:

Thursday: ...that I do not have dandruff. I wear too many black clothing, having a small nuisance like dandruff would kill my self confidence.

Friday: ...that I have legs that are functioning. When you walk on the street, I wonder who really takes into consideration that a small thing like walking, and getting from A to B, can be so jepodised if legs are gone?

Saturday:...the friends I have by my side, and for the sun. It's been hefty in terms of the Melbourne climate (oh how typical), and on the day that we decide to take a cycling trip to Williamstown, the sun was beating down like there's no tomorrow.

Sunday: ...my students, and their appreciation for my presence. Without them, I cannot grow more as a music student myself.

They say, make the world a better place. How can that happen if you don't start to look at yourself, and the way you see things? Being grateful for certain things, refraining from taking things for granted, can surely better you as a person. It sure has for me. It reminds me that I'm a living soul. That I am still alive.

What are you thankful for?

Smelly

2006-11-09T22:17:00.000-08:00

The computer lab at the uni smells strange. You walk in, there's this heavy aroma of human bodies. It's so dense I can swim in it.

The High and Almighty

2006-11-09T22:06:00.000-08:00

Do you have a guardian angel?

I think I do. In many sticky situations I have always managed, with some bizzare circumstance, to throw myself out of it and into the lighter side of things. I still remember the days when I had $0.50 in my account, which was supposed to last me for 1 week; the times when I absolutely wanted to get rid of my job, only to find a new opportunity knocking at my door a week later; the perfect jigsaw when I moved out of one place, not knowing where to go next, and within 2 weeks only to find my current flatmate and move in with her in a completely new place. The times when I'm emotionally down, and to find a new friend who shares similar circumstances where we both can relate to; my intention to change my phone and bike, but based on my lazy aspirations to do so, did not occur until they were both stolen...

"Linda, your life is like a soap opera" -Steph, my flatmate exclaims.

Perhaps it may be, but I guess I am one of those who just happens to stumble on moss on rocks most of her time. But somehow, there will be a random fallen branch nearby, that would catch my fall. Or a small bike accident that killed my wrist for 3 weeks, during which, to my added (and very intensive) diseased state to my body, my mental clockwork shifted to a Quater-Life-Crisis that very nearly much destroyed me if I decided not to 'shift gears' accordingly.

The more I recall, the more I believe, with every impossibilities, there is a possibility; just as well as with every possibility, the impossible is also, inevitable.

A Blog that Explains THAT Blog

2006-11-08T21:17:00.000-08:00

Please, people, calm down.

No, Linda is not bisexual...the POSSIBILITY of bisexualism is still confused with a CONFIRMATION which is yet to come.

I believe anyone has the potential to be bisexual...not only me.

Ok, read me. Yellow and black.

Ok here goes

2006-11-08T04:54:00.000-08:00

Warning: The following were narrated with winging mood with a dash of severe sadistic thoughts running through the Dreamer's mind...

Right! Perhaps it's due to lack of sleep AND slight over-drinking for the last few nights I have become somewhat delirious. Oh yes, I was lacking sleep for a while now. Why, oh why...because, sleep is boring! Anyway, nevermind, as if you care..

Today's topic of words:

SEXUALITY

Every considered 'experimenting' with the same gender? Actually, I shouldn't have asked...we all know the answer.

For a while I have been wondering my sexuality swing. I believe I am 80% straight. The other 20%? I have had crushes on girls, albeit a few. The first true adolescent crush on a girl was this lovely weather girl. She was on channel ten or something...but I realised, the crushes I have on this girl was different in level in comparison to what with guys. Words are, unfortunately, indescribable to this strange complexion.

Having this revelation that I may be bisexual somewhat thrown me over the wheel today, literally, whilst on my bike. Correction: I had this doubt for a while, but somewhat more confirmed today. Why is it bad? Or do I just feel like this because this is a passing phase with a twisted spice added to it? My conclusion:

1. It is a passing phase as I am entirely put off by my male counterparts, for the meantime.
2. More females are bisexual than males.

Dear world: please provide some insight into a lost little dreamer of yours.

DJ Sasha vs. John Digweed

2006-11-08T04:29:00.000-08:00

Monday night: Cup Eve 7th November, 2006

Straight after DJ class, I met up with a friend of mine and grabbed a lift from him to Queensbridge Hotel, Southbank. A heap of bodies qued up for the entrance; in the blistering Antarctic wind, it was quite a dedication of fans for this major event. Upon entry, they grabbed my ticket...so I couldn't even save it for memory sake...

A sea of moving bodies thumping to the heavy bass beat; crazy rave lights and visual screening of random moving objects/ faces in accordance with the wave...god, was I on high, up there, close and in near contact, with Digweed (who first mixed), and Sasha. As hours passed, my feet grew somewhat tired, but as Sasha was my dear eye candy, I managed to last until the fact that I was dancing with no friends could bear me no longer excited.

I WANNA DO IT AGAIN! But this time with rave friends. Who, out of my friends, desire this type of music?

Forever sleep

2006-11-04T01:24:00.000-08:00

Today I'm not going to rave on about deep and meaningful things. For once, I shall write about the boring usual things you perhaps may have come across whilst blog browsing.

Went feather shopping today. Lovely, colourful nests designed to be rested snugly against the female scalp. All different designs and varieties of angulation and form will be tested by ladies with dainty taste for their fluttery creatures. I suppose the feeling of soft, synthetic feathers are an appealing nature of courtship to the male counterpart. Why, the Melbourne Cup has become a festivity of strutting peacocks and chickens, rooting for horses!

No, I did not purchase any nests nor feathers.

Acutually it was a day of surrealism. Having been aroused from deep and lacking sleep I dragged myself out into the Bathroom of Abandoned. Such name derived from such previliges I obtained from certain management affiliations, yet because of my highly imaginative and spiritually connected psyche, therefore the belief that this private bathroom is therefore, just like the rest of the building, haunted. Drowing in the hot shower I began to feel the blood rush through my body, tinkling the 720 million cells in there: wake up, wake up...

A day of rushing and postponing times, ending it in such not so rushed way. Oh I'm not making any sense am I? I need food. Good nice food that smells lovely and sensous. Ones that tickle your tastebuds...

Did today happen? It went by so fast...I'm just opening my eyes now...

C.H.E.R.I.S.H.

2006-10-28T23:25:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to Jay Chou's 7th albumn, Still Fantasy. It's really rockin'.

Following is a rough translation from the Mandarin tracks:

1) 夜的第七章 Chapter 7 of the Night
2) 听妈妈的话 Listen to mum
3) 千里之外 Beyond a thousand miles
4) 本草纲目
5) 退后 Reversible
6) 红模仿 Moulin Rogue
7) 心雨 Soul Rain
8) 白色风车 White speed
9) 迷迭香 Lost scent
10) 菊花台 Chrysanthamem Balcony

Having had exposure to a bit of Chinese hip hop, I have to say, his versatility, change of style and talent is the finest of all as yet. He is both the music producer and the performer of all his music...something so admirable, and so inspiring. I really would like to have the chance of producing my own music and perform it myself, someday in the future. This is where my (future) DJing skills will come into play, where I will somehow fuse both classical and currently styles of all trance/tech/house/drum & bass with the piano. Maksim is already popularising the classical piano, so had Venessa Mae with her violin; but I don't know...it's still not reaching out to the population as much. Perhaps I'm too idealistic.

Anyway, I ain't here to chat about music. Topic of today's 'discussion'/monologue is

The Future

Rather than asking you, what does the future hold for you, I am going to ask you this: What do you think you hold for the future?

The future is not a far away object. It can be next year, next month, next week, the next hour, or the next word you read after this. It's an immeasurable scale that flexes according to your mindset.

Hence the essence of time. I have a knack for wanting to wake up early so as not to miss the morning, the day. At times when I wake up much later than I planned, I feel disgusted at myself for not achieving anything that day. I don't have an understanding for those who decides that laziness surpass all, and that television is the life they are to live for. If eyes can see, ears can hear, heart can feel and your body is able, why waste its precious life and time, on something that can be indulged by someone who may not have your qualities?

Make use of your time. Every second, every minute, go for gold. Do not ever settle down for second best. Dentistry was second best for me. I had a choice to settle down to it, and hell, I thought I was. But I guess, there is always something else out there, that you are meant for. And I shall leave dentistry for someone else more worthy for it. And, rather than holding on to the stable reins, I jumped down to the snow and began the long process of uncertainty.

The future is not long, but whilst the road to success ain't straight, your heart may wither. The easy way out is always brighter, and temptation to this path is always the greatest.

If I was to be that person, I would have died long, long ago.

And for the record...

I HATE all who think they are above themselves. YES, HATE.

For all the ignorant snobs who berates all that do not do the same line of work, the the false pretense that their work is much more superior than all the rest of humanity, remember this: When your body decides that it had enough with life, it looks no different from the body of another whom you looked down upon. What makes you think you have the right to judge others?

Don't open your mouth unless you are to feed words for the soul just as you like yours fed; Don't open your eyes unless you are strong enough to oversee all the darkness and give light;

Don't listen unless you can listen to your heartbeat;
And don't give your hands to the lost if you are to cut them off.

For all yee bastard thieves, give back the life you stole. You do not deserve to live.

Letters to the Unknown

2006-10-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

I think I'm ready to share with you now. This is what happened.

Do you get days where you feel like a looser, where you are useless?

I shall start from the beginning.

Well now that I've quit dentistry, it's just a waiting period for me now before I audition for Melbourne Uni's Music Faculty. On Wednesday I went to Allan's music store and chatted with that manager dude who lets me play the Steinways pianos, and signed a 6 month contract to rent a piano. On top of that he called up this lady, called Mara Reichman, who is a really good piano teacher, and just 2 days ago (friday) i met up with her and we just chatted briefly.

Basically in that hour she asked about my music background but her problem is that she talks too much. brags a lot about her daughter who is the head of the piano department in the Australian Academy of music, etc etc. anyway, i also played a little for her, despite my 5 years out of practice. she said that i did the right thing to chuck away dentistry and go back to music. so i cried a little that time, just because someone professional acknowledges my doing. anyway, she also said that i should try to apply for the academy where her daughter is at. the funny thing is prior knowing about Mara, I wrote an email to Rita requesting piano lessons.

So having that prospect, naturally I felt a little better that I could rely on someone about my music things. Today Mara called me up and basically said that I may not meet the standards of the academy and asked me, "What do you want to do in the future with music? You mentioned you are a teacher now. Are you happy being a teacher in the future?" I said, ok, if that's the case. In my mind, I was like, what?! So first you say that I can have a chance to the academy, and possibly be taught by Rita, now you say that I may not be good enough to do anything but to teach!? Is that why i quit dentistry for? Well I was really low after that. I also mentioned that I've already applied for this National competition next year, but she was like, "oh no, don't do that, you'll never get in". Sure, she said that she's not trying to discourage me, but she hell knows how to put someone down. She also said that I'll never get into the schools in the USA, it's too much standard there.

Luckily I was meeting up with Russell (friend) later, because I think I was really vulnerable today. We sat by the Yarra, and I just broke down. I remember, when I told Victoria, my ex-piano teacher's wife, that I quit dentistry to do music, and that I want to apply for the USA, she was more than happy to help me e.g., write up a reference for me, on behalf of my teacher. She did not judge the fact that i was so out of practice. Sure, Mara probably is right in that I may not end up as a concert pianist, but that's not what I want anyway. I just think it's pretty unjust to put hopes up in a student and then later take it back and says she's not good enough. Truth kills, but this was really harsh. anyway I'm really lost. but I think Russell is right. I'm going to keep going to do what I plan to do. Apply for the USA, apply for this competition. I guess i'm ready for any failure, but hey, at least I try. Mara was like, don't apply unless you know you'll win. I guess that's the attitude a lot of teachers have. So did professor, my ex teacher.

I guess I am really lost. It's hard being the only person here and you can't rely on anyone else. I am also thinking, perhaps she said those harsh things after she had a day of thinking, which may have included the fact that I was a student of Viktor Makarov. I actually didn't really want to say, but she kept asking me, so I couldn't really dodge the question anymore. She paused after I told her. Perhaps she doesn't want any of his previous students to succeed or something. i dunno. But she keeps saying she wants to help me etc. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

Pretty depressed. yesterday on Swanston street, part of it was blocked off because a guy threatened to jump off the building. i was so angry to hear that. what does that put me? If life was so unworth it, then why the hell do the rest of us have to put up with it? Might as well do that too huh. Anyway, the dude didn't do it.

Fuckin..

2006-10-22T00:58:00.000-07:00

I'm too pissed off to write sanely. Perhaps it's best if I don't write at all. Thank you.

Dreamcatcher

2006-10-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

The first time I ever performed on stage was at around 11 years old.

Prior stepping on stage, I was always a nervous wreck, my palms will spread its sweatiness to my fingertips and my heart will beat like a rat's. Even whilst performing, my mind will dart from "oh god people just stopped talking and they are looking at me" to "hey this is sweet i have their attention" to "oh but that means I have to make no mistakes" to "...what if I do make a mistake..." to god knows what.

In essence, my mind would not be in sync with my fingers. Now that's a big problem: if the word "mistake" lights up in my brains, my fingers will freak out. On good days it's a controlled freak; on bad days, well, you get an earfull.

It has been 4 years since performing in a venue as large as BMW Edge, Federation Square.

As usual, I was fretting prior the performance. I was pacing around, wrestling with my fingers, relaxing my arms, shoulders, my heart felt like it was stuck. William Shi (Apollo president) gave me a beautiful opening that soothed my heart rate -thankyou thankyou.

The funny thing is, my brain was not yabbering during that performance. For the first time in my life, I was in a zone. A zone of peace when the hall was silent, and all eyes were gazed at the piano and the player. For the first time, I felt at ease- like letting go of something heavy.

Perhaps the past 4 years of being not musically-focussed was a good thing. Consider it a retreat: time for some soul-searching and mind-cleansing. Now, I'm catching my dream.

Thankyou for everyone who went. It's so heartfelt when people can gather together for something. Usually it's only my folks who listen to me and support me...never did I have a performance with so many of my friends there.

For my friends who couldn't be there because you guys are all over the world: thankyou for your emails and your kind, kind words

God you guys are all so AWSOME....

Letters to the unknown

2006-10-09T21:24:00.000-07:00

thanks,

I suppose one thing that's changed in me is that I've become much more stronger mentally and subsequently, spiritually. Now that I know what path I must take in life, now that I've overstepped my fear of loss, these steps I am taking to pursue what I really want has definately cleared my mind. I know Buddhism is very cleansing, but I think seeking the spiritual peace within yourself not through the means of other's teachings, but through your perception in everyday events and the constant reminder of the importance of yourself, is far more rewarding than the little highs I get from other's preachings. I read them too, but the moment is only captured at that time when i read the words...it does not last outside the store. I realised that having strength from the internal is much more lasting and perhaps more revealing to your purpose in life. Simply because the reality of things are too great to be cleared by words written for all. Sometimes I think that having customised books are better...haha....

Everyone has different ways of seeking inner peace. I hope you find inner peace when you practise your martial art or, that you coporate the Zen philosophies in your practise. Sometimes I see anger in your ways, but perhaps that's just my misconception. With me, my peace is when I hear music in my head. That's why 9 out of 10 times when I'm not engaged in a conversation or class, my ears are always clogged with the earphones. Whenever I'm sick, I need to listen to music. So I heal better and faster. It's like my catalyst to all the external stimuli. I am beginning to realise that tance music is ecially mind-numbing. haha...drug music...But also, when I hear really bad music, and that music is constant, I can fall sick too and maintain that way for a long time. E.g., R&B. Sometimes when Steph listens to R&B all the time in the room, I have to get out. Otherwise I'll combust!

I'm not sure if I've told you, one of the main reason that really pushed me to quit dentistry, was the way my body reacted when I returned back to being full-time dentistry. From 1st August, I was officially full time at the hospital. That week, I had a nasty bike accident where I nearly fractured my wrist, and I was in a cast for 3 weeks. From week 3 onwards, I had tonsilitis, which on top of that developed into a terrible sinusitis which made me bedridden for around another 3 weeks. Then, I had infection to my eyes...conjunctivitis. On top of that I had some other viral infection, which I'm still getting over until now. The tonsilitis was never treated properly, and when the doctor prescribed me more potent drugs towards the end of my sinusitis to treat the tonsilitis, I refused. Simply because I've been on drugs for a month, and I believe a body is much more capable of that. So, I've just begun to get over the tonsilitis...at least I don't have puffy glands now...

So, when you are sick, you suddenly have the time to really relax and think. You begin to think about the things that you would not during the days that are occupied. I, for instance, began to think about my conscience. It's been a big part of my thinking when I was a girl of 6, when I asked my dad "dad, why am I me?" upon which dad paused, looked at me, and answered: don't think that, you'll become stupid. Have you not asked yourself that? Why is it that we have such control over this body we own, and so at the receiving end of sound, sight, touch etc? There must be a purpose for my existance and for your existance. I reassessed the happiness value of my life then...which was near to zero, but not quite there as I still enjoyed some aspects of my life. However, I recalled how I desparately, and seriously wished that I'll have terminal cancer on my 22nd, where I'll have 2 years left to live so therefore, justifiable enough to quit dentistry, which was a part of my life then that was making me see dark clouds in my future. All I wanted was to get out of it, and do music.

Then it hit me. There I was, lying in bed, so sick my body couldn't even have enough energy to cough all that crap out of it. I know my body...it's not weak. It's been through transmittable periods of infection yet still was uninfected. So why, all of a sudden, was it so sick? The mind and the body is inter-related...and I knew that it's because my body was rejecting the negativity from my surroundings, and that was mainly occupied by my morbid thoughts of dentistry, and how it affects my clouded vision of my life. I again, thought back to the years, little events and the way how my life diverged from hours of practise at the piano, to now where the only real piano is at Allan's music store...it's retarded.

For some reason, I know I'll die young. So, I made my choice. When my body began to get a little more stronger, I approached the faculty without hesitation. During this time, of course, I needed to hear what others thought of this, but with a little twist...it would be my chance to test my confidence by explaining my purpose in doing so. But anyway, a lot of the people this time, were really positive towards my choice, and a majority of them had never heard me play. So I was touched too, a lot of people really helped me through.

Once you can answer your own questions, you will find your peace. I found mine through music...I just hope it'll be the last!

See you at the concert.

The sun is shining

2006-10-09T19:02:00.000-07:00

There's nothing much to write nowadays. Except that the clouds are clearing.

-L

First psychic trip

2006-10-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

Ever been to a psychic/tarot/palm/whatever spiritual reader?

Had an inspiration to go seek some spiritual fun and games on Sunday. Booked myself for a 4 o'clock appointment with a psychic tarot reader, Heather.

The room overlooked a lolly shop. While she was pouring me a glass of water, I watched the lolly people below moulding the molten sugar into shapes. Just as my thoughts trailed into thinking the society is both the molten sugar and its convinience in its manipulation, Heather walked in. She sat in front of me, and asked me to shuffle a deck of tarot cards. Started to explain the essence of my energy being transferred onto the cards, how it affects the subconscience to rub itself to portray answers for me.

I did not understand the layout of the cards, however the pictures were explained as such:

1. Presence of psychic power
2. I am on the right path after coming out of something wrong for me.
3. Success
4. Parent's wellbeing
5. Travelling and love life

Dunno. I guess I needed some soothing action from a non-logical level as the past weeks have been a fretting epileptic fit between confidence and doubt.

Oh, by the way, Cheesecake (non-edible pet rat) is pregnant! Way to go girl.

Something calling your name

2006-10-04T23:44:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to die pretty young.

When I was a little girl, my ambition was to be the world's record holder for living the longest. Funny that.

I guess I had a brain aneurysm on my 22nd. Going senile +/- mid-mid life crisis can tweek with my rusty nails up there. For the first time in years I feel like I'm waking up from a long, drawn out sleep.

"Why do you give it up? You're half way there..."

So they say, but that's what people will always say. Only you will know the true reason, because it's in your heart. No matter how much you explain to people, it does not matter as much as how much you believe in yourself.

For those who have a dream, please, don't deny yourself. My biggest problem is my lack of confidence and self-doubt.

I hope to be an inspiration for the future generation....and my motto is:

Don't survive your life, live it.

Inside my head

2006-09-28T00:17:00.001-07:00

So here it is...making a big change in your life. You are alone, because you're one of a kind. Your turn to tell the story to the younger generation. This time, the apple is in your hand; it's your choice to throw it to the basket for later, or take a bite now. You look back, to see if the choice is right. But you question: what is right? Few months ago, I didn't know, but I can tell you now. It's your gut feeling -it never lies.

Thankyou, for your music. It's real cool to see how care has no boundaries, where it can still reach you half way across the world, regardless of stranger or friend. Thankyou, for your ever down-to-earth attitude that pulls me back to reality. Thankyou, for your honest encouragement and faith that sees something in me that I cannot. Thankyou, for your card and its words of inspiration, where during this time of doubt, you still show me the light not at the end of the tunnel, but that surrounds me. Thankyou, for our emails where you manage to wipe away my fear, swallowing away the darkness. Thankyou, for giving me perspective for the long run, where tomorrow may never come.

In the light of the sun,

Is there anyone?

Oh it has begun...

Oh dear, you look so lost,

eyes are red and tears are shed,

This world you must've crossed.

You said,

You don't know me,

And you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said,

You don't know me,

And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.

yeah.

Essential yet appealed,

Carry all your thoughts

Across an open field,

When flowers gaze at you,

They're not the only ones

Who cry when they see you

You said,

You don't know me,

And you don't even care, oh yeah,

She said,

You don't know me,

you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.

She said I think I'll go to Boston.

I think I'll start a new life.

I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.

I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,

I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.

I think I'll go to Boston.

I think that I'm just tired.

I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.

I think I need a sunrise,

I'm tired of Sunset,

I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.

You don't know me,

And you don't even care, oh yeah,

Boston, where no one knows my name,

Where no one knows my name

Where no one knows my name, yeah.

Boston, where no one knows my name.

- Augustana

Letter to the unknown:

2006-09-20T02:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Sir, Madam,

Perhaps this may sound like one of those inspirational stories, but I just want to share with you, the process of realising one’s dream. You see, it’s taken me a few years to realise that I was travelling down a wrong career path.

Since I was a girl of four, I have been learning piano tirelessly, and I guess it was always assumed I would end up either performing, teaching or composing- at least, something musically related. Four years ago, vast windows of opportunity reached out, and being a freshman out of high school, curiosity drove me into dentistry, and in hindsight, it was a career I never considered as a part of my life. After trying it out for two semesters, I was not only completely disorientated, but I was unmotivated (if not, more so), however, willing to give it another go, I hurdled through to fourth semester. By that time, music was then, a concentrated calling at the back of my head- yet due to fear of change, fear of failure, I denied myself and went into third year.

To be frank, I was never a struggling student, yet upon entering this course, I was on constant battle to stay focussed, to look ahead. Why was it so hard? There was this voice, telling me to do music, go do music. At the end of fifth semester, I requested the dean to allow me leave of absence, and for one year, I broke myself away from the dentally orientated world, and contemplated my future.

In August 2006, I was once again, a full time dental student and, believing that after a break, my mindset would be stronger, that this little voice would forever, hold silence. But no…it was relentless; and the month since my return, I realised one very important thing. I had to do something before it’s too late. I thought back to the hours of practise at the piano before I became dental, and to the present: how my favourite days now are spent not beside the dental chair, but by the display pianos at Allan’s; I reflected on my struggle as a dental student due to the fact that my hear was, simply put, elsewhere and that place, is with music. I have come to be more aware that I would eventually end up as a musician of some sort, even if I had completed the dental degree and having the option of becoming a dentist, I know, for sure, I will enrol myself into first year, B. Music immediately after graduation.

If that’s the case, it doesn’t make sense if I don’t start that now, and nothing will deter me anymore, from seeing my dream and making it come true.

Thankyou for reading this,

Yours truly,

Linda Lin

What are feelings?

2006-09-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

A walk into insanity

2006-09-12T23:48:00.000-07:00

I wish someone will show a movie of my life to me sometime... "This is your life:...now, so I won't be distracted. I'm so distracted, it's s terrible waste to my concentration, to everything that's meaningful. I want out, I want in, I don't want anything anymore.

"Where's the fly gone?"
"I dunno, it was there a while ago..."
"...what if the fly had no wings and it just rolled off?"
"Wouldn't it be called a ball instead?"

Decisions can kill a person. Right now I would love to be my pet rat.

Perhaps everything is wrong in life until a person dies. Perhaps I ingested something really bad and it's fucking up my brain right now, spilling out everything I fear to do so I do the counteract. Never it's been heard that a dental student decides out, and transfers to music -verified info- so argh, I will pull my hair out until I go bald and become a fish in the big sea. Perhaps I'm not my fingers and someday my fingers will fall out and i'll become a professional clapper instead. Oh, oh, decisions decisions. I wake up to the sound of rocks falling, angels yelping and dogs barking mad. I'm barking mad...

can someone help me?

hmmmm

2006-09-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

i'm so confused i'm so confused i'm so confused

Book of revelations

2006-09-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

As I have been seriously bed-ridden for the past 8 days, it was natural for one to contemplate things that...well, not one would usually have time to contemplate for. So, life it was. The meaning, and possiblities that may have triggered this massive ill-health after such a long healthy period. I assessed my situation as a student in somewhere in between, my happiness vaporised somewhere in the ozone, my hands thirsty still, for more of what it's worth.

For those who do know of my circumstances and my revelation, I have re-assessed my conclusion yet again, this morning when my mind woke up. Having 'realised' that it may become quite true sometime very soon, the muscles of my face broke into its first exercise for the day. With this 'realisation', I had something to look forward to. Finally.

Even if it may take 13 years for someone to realise the meaning of what they're worth, then the unworthiness of the time 'wasted' is pure bull shit. It took me 3.5 years plus 1 year of deferral to succomb to what my heart tells me. Courage is the key.

But I'm not here without those who really helped me through. You gave me eyes to see when I was blind, hands when I was lost, and a mind when I was in darkness. Forever, I'm grateful for what you guys have given me.

How do you make ordinary things look extraordinary?

2006-08-28T03:40:00.000-07:00

Just came back from watching Capote. Have you seen it? When it first came out, it was just another name; now it's an another inspiration. For some reason I have great fascination with crime and the like-minded, the power of words and play of psychology. I admit, I don't know much about things like this, neither do I know much about mythology, history nor geography, but all alike, I am curious about them.

Unilodge Chair Riding Squad (UCRS): Saturday, 26th August 2006. It began with bored residents sitting in desktop chairs that slowly migrated into the lift, sharing a few drinks with one another whilst the door opened and closed with bewildered non-chair residents entering. Greetings. "Oh, I feel like a cigarette": so off we went, to Swanston street, 2 ladies, 3 gentlemen, swamping down on our 3-legged freaks, the gravel echoing the roaring entity. First stop: Royal Melbourne Dental Hospital. There we played musical chairs to sounds of cars and smiling pedestrians, many thangs to the slight downhill gradient at the entrance that gave us all such thrills. "Oh, let's go to Argyle Square": Stop 2 -Lygon street. We roared across traffic lights, through romantic cafes and Italian restaurants, past more food eating chair squatters, finally to our tired feet and eroded slippers, to Plaza Italia, the "Argyle Square". There we re-lived our childhood through Tag, the only exception being: only sitting and swivelling allowed. 2am: we looped through the graffiti Canada Lane, up Swanston, the Disability Ramp, past sliding doors, up the lift and into our rooms in Unilodge. Home sweet home; and never did we leave our seats.

Funnily enough, someone asked "where did you get your chairs?" There. You have your answer: you have to do extraordinary things to make you (the ordinary thing) look extra-(you).

Letters to friends

2006-08-21T20:07:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

thanks for taking time in writing that long email. i think she is just a spoilt immature girl who wants everyone's attention and attend to her needs and having the control of pushing them away anytime, anywhere, no strings attached. she wants puppets for friends, and very possessive, jealous and zealous. terrible. she needs to get wacked over the head, fall into the canyon to see what a futile life philosophy she is living, then she will start to grow. people like her, i scorn at them, because they are so used to being fed by another hand, hit them at will, then cry when they go away. she is the type of person who will burn the bridges even though she is conscious it is evil. she is the type of coward who will not stand up for herself, but rather others stand up for her, i.e., she prefers pawns to friends. so, my suggestion, you have to do what you have to do. don't unblock her just because her 'friends said so'. remember why you blocked her in the first place. think why she blocked you in the first place. if she wants you to keep in contact with her, then she should tell you yourself. you already did your part in trying. relationships, friendships, whatever fuck, is a two way thing does she not get it!? the fucked up girl...sorry, i'm really worked up when i meet these type of idiots. i have ZERO tolerance for people who treat others who treat them so good, like shit. so, good on you enoch, you have the brains to pick out that she's not worth your time, so just do what makes you think will let her learn and live.

i don't know, time is money to me. like, i'm a bitch in that i don't dwell time in people who i find futile company. i only allocate my time in people who will give back what i give back. because i know that i'm the type of person who will give back twice what you give me. good, or bad. even in emailing. in chatting, i only do so with those who i know i can gain some insight into them. it sounds really terrible and (chinese) 'realistic', but i guess that's something i learnt from my year off studying. i guess that's the invisible barrier between them and me. yes, i feel like a loner.

thankyou for your package. i love packages! it makes me feel wanted...sometimes, when you are too independent, you start to wonder, who will know if suddenly, you get lost or something, or just disappear, who will know, who will really care?

anyway, i want to send something to you. what do you miss from australia, besides me? haha

i just want my friends around me on my birthday.

love, lin

Yabbering nonstop

2006-08-17T01:14:00.000-07:00

I'm always yawning. It's part of my expression. Although I try not to do it too often in lectures, it'll offend those poor buggers who spend 50min yabbering on something they try to incite how important it is in life. Anyway, I'll cut the crap and get to the shit. So today I finally took a nap. I've daydreaming of finding time to do that since 2 weeks ago. Just these days are so full of study-irrelevant things which happens to be important enough to cut my day in half. Why, just yesterday on my way back from a student's in late afternoon, I hopped onto a tram which took me to somewhere I was totally unfamiliar with, geographically: Moreland. So, I hopped off at its terminus, and in front of me, was a train station. The trip back took me a totaly of 1 hour 25 minutes: totally unecessary as it only takes 20mins back to my place from their, if only the right tram picked me up. Why is the dental course in Melbourne Uni so disorganised? From day one of orientation, to now where we have this upcoming exam on Monday, students are still confused about what's relevant for the exam. First it took me just last week to realise that there's a test; 4 days later I was frightened that Surgery was also part of it, then later confirmed it was not; just today I am questioned whether or not is Radiology part of the test...it's 20% of importance, but the scary thing is it's negative marking: and you can only get max 5 questions out of 20 wrong. Well, Good luck with that dreamer...

Rat splat

2006-08-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

My flatmate bought a new rat, name is Djet. He is a cute little velvety thing, smaller than my palm which is already quite small. Oh, how vulnerable is he, always gets bullied by Cheesecake, my pet rat, a pretty female fertile thing. (having said that, how little does Cheesecake know, one day she'll get bullied by him instead......muhaha)

So we took them out to the park and walked them. Well, we let them run loose, bumping and hopping over each other. I accidently stepped on Djet. Poor thing...when I lifted my foot, the poor kid was sprawled over on his side, teary eyed, bloody nosed and mangled left foot. Oh dear, in distress he tried to hide in my shadow, but later ran away as far as his little legs can carry. It was heart breaking.

Later the vet tried to cajole us into comfort. He had a pet mouse when he was a little boy, which was sat upon by him. Well, the vet just forgot that his mouse was in his backpocket. Splat, instant death.

So, never never step or sit on a rat.

P.s., Djet is happy and alive, just temporarily 3-legged.

2006-08-05T21:56:00.000-07:00

SiLEnt sIGh

Come see what we all talk about
People moving to the moon
Stop baby don't go stop here
Never stop living here
Till it eats the heart from your soul
Keeps down the sound of your
Silent sigh
Silent sigh, silent sigh silent sigh

Keeps down all move me down
Could we love eachother
Come see what we all talk about
People moving to the moon
Stop baby don't go stop here
Never stop living here
Till it eats the heart from your soul
Keeps down the sound of your
Silent sigh
Silent sigh, silent sigh silent sigh

Keeps down all move me down
But don't love eachother
No don't love eachother
Never gonna be the same

Dying in Africa

2006-08-04T18:53:00.000-07:00

Parents are supposed to be supportive, right? Question: is fear part of the diplomacy in their expression for love? I have been reflecting back to my childhood lately, questioning why I am the way I think today, now. I believe the childhood a person has, or has not, makes a big impact in their future. I, for one, had no childhood. I didn't have many friends, all my friends were confined in the school ground. I was requested to return home immediately, even though I wished to do gymnastics and debating, which happened to be held after school. No. No TV, no radio, no magazines, and even fictional books were frowned upon sometimes. Once I borrowed a book with a picture of a man kissing a woman, I got grounded for it. I used to want to watch TV so bad, that I'll calculate how much time I have between now and when they come back, and as soon as I turn off the screen, I'd make sure the remote and everything else around it was exactly, and I mean exactly, the position I found it. I used to look for signs of them testing me whether or not I've shifted/ touched e.g., the VHS, remote, magazines, or what nots. Paranoid. I was a kid of 7. I was a thinking machine then. Once I got out of school and I wanted to try Hubba Bubba. I borrowed 50c from a kid, happily got into the newsagent on my way home, bought the damn thing, got out, and saw dad's car honking at me. He had this furious look on him, demanded me to get in, and accused me of stealing the money from his desk. Despite my tears of innocence, no, no, a kid had no place to talk the truths. Only adults know best. That's right. Well fucking hell, I'm an adult now. We moved into a new neighborhood when I was 15; the next door neighbor had a nice pool. I complimented them once I was in the yard, and the lady was nice enough to rock up at our front door the split second, and asked kindly to my mum, "would you like Linda to come to our pool for a swim?" "oh, no, she's too busy". What a shame. As the door closed she screamed my name, and accused me of demanding the neighbor to invite me to their pool for the swim. What the hell? Despite my tears, no, no, a kid had no place to talk the truths. I used to be hit a lot. Once on the face so bad my nose wouldn't stop bleeding. All I remember is being held up in the air somehow and I saw the blood slowly drip down onto the creamy carpet, every dark drop staining the ground, seeping into the fabric and soaking it up into a beautiful blooming flower. It was all in slow motion, I passed out a little, only to be woken up by my mum stopping him. I don't know what it is, anger management may be needed, but when I was being tended by her, he still grabbed my slippers and held it up my face, threatening to slap me again like I was a FUCKING DOG A BITCH LIKE I WAS A DIRTLOWLIFETRASH when I only didn't do my homework. I was a really flexible kid back in Japan, and I loved acrobatics. I was good at it, and I would do it as much as could. But once she came for a surprise visit, saw me, and told the teacher not to let me do it. Is it Satanic or something, or demonic? I have a volcano in me, my will power is strong enough to make it dormant. However, they constantly test me to my limit. "You are so selfish, you never think about your parents, you always think about yourself, can't you put youself in your parents' shoes for once and think and feel for us?" Well, sorry for the past 20 years where I have been doing that, what, enough is never enough. So, you come to me when you need me to see your tears, listen to your woes, I comfort you and give you the damn support you need, manage to keep a fucking open mind to so many things as I treat you as not a parent, but an individual. Don't forget, parents, kids are human too, they can think, they have a fucking brain, respect, dignity and memory. THEY ARE AN INDIVIDUAL. Being a kid is a stage, one day they will too, become an adult, and according to you, that's when they can start to think, right? Well, fuck me if I'm wrong, age has no matter to this after so long. Trust me, you don't ever want to see me explode. So don't you dare cross the fucking line. I can kill. Just forget you read this blog. The world is just as beautiful it should be. Enjoy it. Have a fucking good laugh.

Spit shots

2006-08-03T19:12:00.000-07:00

LOveR's sPIt

All these people drinking lover's spit
They sit around and clean their face with it
And they listen to teeth to learn how to quit
tied to a night they never met

You know it's time
that we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way

All these people drinking lover's spit
Swallowing words while giving head
They listen to teeth to learn how to quit
tied to a night they never met

You know it's time
that we grow old and do some shit
I like it all that way

Art of conversation

2006-07-31T21:44:00.000-07:00

There are different types of conversation. Verbal, Visual, Audio, Sensory.

Then there's different types of fake conversation. It's those people who just stands around, talking as if they have known each other for some time, whereas in fact they had just bumped into each other in the toilet after having declined any form of communication from the last incidental meeting. Oh, they laugh, smile, one party may place their hand on the other's shoulder, perhaps squeeze it to show a line of sympathy.

So what is the downright significance of this? Have you ever looked at the people around you, wondering what is going through their head right now? And I mean, literally, even though they may seem to be engrossed in one thing, e.g., reading, drawing, talking, listening. I am looking at these people staring at the monitor, comparing them to the batch of people in the Rowden White Library, both engrossed in mass communication. Ok, so if we really enjoy something, we go do it right? Then, we are there, not for the matter itself, but for the feeling it can evoke! Happiness, satisfaction, self pity, comfort, whatever you need for the dosage of the day. So, if we are intrigued in finding such personal feelings via the deep thoughts (expressed through fiction, biography, comics, film) of others (i.e., the composers) and we PREFER to spend our precious time that way, then under what circumstances would you like to place yourself in a place where there's a crowd of people asking how you are doing, what's been happening to your life, whereas in fact you know deep down, and you freakin' hell can see that not one of them genuinely cares for your answer, but the fact that they are physically there! So what's the point of all that? An average person living in the contemporary western world has a life span of around 80 (quite long and generous to the males). Nevertheless, that's

80years x 365days/yr = 29, 200 days of your life.

29, 200 days x 24 hours = 700, 800 hours of your life.

And to make a huge assumption that we have been sleeping for on average, 8 hours per day (but consider this standardised as when we were babies we slept so much more, which cancels out the nights awake spent partying). So. If we spend one third of our day sleeping, then that's 233, 600 hours of our life, sleeping.

Say we do small talks on an average of, minimal 2 hours per day. That's 58, 400 hours of your life, at least, entertaining tediously uninteresting people. At the same time, trying to coax that person to promote you, date you, employ you, preach you, betray you, brain-wash you, exaggerate you, flatter you, and whatever more little spices small-talk is centred around. Think about what other things you can do with 58, 400hours? I think I like more sleep.

I think I get it. Small talk is one-sided. That's hijacking the conversation!

I also have issues with waiting and travelling from A to B. To visit Viktor, Alex and I spent 6 houts travelling, 2 hours waiting and 1 hour visiting. That's a raio of 8:1. Downright skewed, if you ask me.

Oh anyway, what the heck. I'm entertaining myself here.

After a break...

2006-07-25T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's funny. The doctor could not tell from the X-ray whether or not my wrist is broken, or fractured, or sprained. So, after a medical certificate and an appointment with the Fracture Clinic next week, I was disposed of for a 10 day 'wrist rest'. Currently I am still typing with two hands. It's a miracle, just yesterday I could only type with one hand. But the cast is too rigid for any more movement.

Having just returned from a 10 day break (literally), I feel somewhat reflective of my life so far. Sydney was my first stop, we met up with my old friends, and completed a crazy tour of the Sydney city, chucking in a Ghost tour of The Rocks somewhere there as well. Second stop: Cairns -Alex and I lived in a nice little hostel of 6 people per dorm. The first night we were lightly entertained by a London boy who disliked London. The city itself ain't that entertaining, or so I found, but I loved the beaches! In Sydney we managed to have a lucky pick-up where we found 2 abandoned body boards, which we carried with us to Palm Cove.

Anyway so uni has started. It's the third day today, not that I feel much of a full-time student yet. I am yet to return into the mode of study, but I think I shall post-pone that to next week, after Alex leaves for the States.

We also managed to squeeze in a day trip to Goulburn, where we visited Viktor Makarov who was imprisoned in maximum security Goulburn jail. After a total of 6 hours travel (return), and 2 hours of waiting, we appreciated the 1 hour visiting hour we were allowed with him. It's heart-warming to see how spiritually peaceful he is, physically and mentally healthy. However I did not appreciate the guard's sarcasm upon my positive response to this visit, where he said, "what? you missed him?" What do you know? Go fuck yourself.

I have a lot of anger in me, I realised these days. I find the world full of shit holes and proud fuckwits who just cannot open their hearts to hear the sounds beneath materialistic substances. I particularly dislike those who are so rigid with the conformists that they are able to push their own moral boundaries.

There's nothing in particular to specify that above statement. It's just a general conclusion I have drawn from many things I've seen and experienced.

You ever had the feeling that something masssively significant was about to come your way? I am preparing myself for such a transition.

My cup tells me that...

2006-07-06T06:13:00.000-07:00

"TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW YOU WILL BE MORE DISAPPOINTED BY THE THINGS YOU DIDN'T DO THAN BY THE ONES YOU DID. SO, THROW OFF THE BOWLINES. SAIL AWAY FROM THE SAFE HARBOR. CATCH THE TRADE WINDS IN YOUR SAILS. EXPLORE.
DREAM.
DISCOVER."

An autopsy

2006-06-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,

I am yet again at my lowest end of my wits. The table is getting smaller, why, yesterday I had to control my tears from dropping to see friends go. There's nothing more to add but a sigh.

It seems to me that everyone in the world is looking for something, in someone. Or the other way around: that someone in something. You can hit many stones with a rock but shatter only one. But when this situation is recipricated with a smile, then you have hit a jewel.

I believe I have a guardian angel looking out for me. Whatever situation that is somewhat negative, some voice in me always demands: it's ok, it'll work out. So, I don't get angry. I just get sad. Really sad.

Thankyou, my guardian angel, whoever you are.

"I've got you, under my skin"

2006-06-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

Firstly, apologies for those who has been pending for my site. Just last Friday I have concluded my exams, yet with no immediate access to the internet blogging has been officially postponed.

I don't even recall what has happened the last few days/weeks. That's what's so terrible about my memory: selective memory, and as I don't do much per day, my selection goes to blank. Even my romance with my journal has been afflicted; the last time I touched that book is not even re-collective.

My break will be quite complete and busy. Firstly mum is coming down to Melbourne for a total of 14 days; then Sydney for max 1 week, Great Ocean Road trip for a few days and random day trips as fillers. On top of that, keep up with rent, my potential forensic research and dealing with the sadness of friends returning back to their home.

If this keeps going, I wonder if one day I'll develop a disorder where no relationship can last longer than a 6 month period. After that threshold I will most likely experience withdrawal symptoms, and what else?

I think I'll call it the Exchange Syndrome.

Anyway, for sore eyes..........

OH MY GOD

Can a chewing gum can take away a man's freedom?

2006-06-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

Forensic Odontology

The most common role of the forensic dentist is the identification of deceased individuals. Dental identification of humans occurs for a number of different reasons and in a number of different situations. The bodies of victims of violent crimes, fires, motor vehicle accidents and work place accidents, can be disfigured to such an extent that identification by a family member is neither reliable nor desirable. Persons who have been deceased for some time prior to discovery and those found in water also present unpleasant and difficult visual identifications. Dental identifications have always played a key role in natural and manmade disaster situations and in particular the mass casualties normally associated with aviation disasters.
Many people are familiar with the concept of dental identification; it is frequently mentioned on television news. But the nuances and complexities of the process are rarely understood. The central dogma of dental identification is that post-mortem dental remains can be compared with dental records, including written notes, study casts, radiographs, etc, to confirm identity. Clearly, individuals with numerous and complex dental treatments are often easier to identify than those individuals with little or no restorative treatment. The teeth not only represent a suitable repository for such unique and identifying features, they also survive most post-mortem events that can disrupt or change other body tissues

It's quite exciting, really. Finally, there is something in dentistry where one is not confined to the white-washed walls of the clinic, listening to the sound of the handpiece for an average of 40 hours per week, 50 weeks per year (considering there's 2 weeks of holiday...). Sure, the wage is not as flash as that of a practising dentist, but it really depends where your heart lies, in the voice of life. Money cannot buy the world that can offer your travel, challenge, excitement -not to mention friendship established over various fields and countries. Yes, travel, lateral thinking and deductive reasoning, associating with people with different perceptions to a possible, plausible story to a presenting case...don't it sound fun?

So, consider a piece of chewy found at the site of the crime scene

With this, a positive cast can be made, to match with the suscept's teeth.

And the suspect's teeth morphology are match with that of the cast.

...So, there goes the chewing gum....

Insight II

2006-06-04T07:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I would like to change my face. Wouldn't that be nice.

I am having trouble with the content of this entry. My mind is clogged with failingexamsnotgettingenoughpassagewaythoughtsrunningwantingtogetout
missingyouwanttoseeyouwhereismyphonewaterthirstthisroomsmellsodour
frommillionsofthosewhosithereshuttupstopaskingquestionsnotrelevanttoyou
beatlesrocklifewithoutphonequiteniceyoushouldtryitineedtostudyneedtosleep
mystomachhurtsperhapsishouldleavenowlesbianfriendsloveletterswillpeople
findmenowiampracticallylosttothembutwhattheheckhopethosekidslearnhow
tobecomebetterpeoplelifeisyoungiwanttofastforwardtimetotenyearsandsee
whereiwillbethirtyoneyearsoldthatsoundsnicenottoooldfriendsleavingforhome
iwishicangohomebutwhereishomeanywaywaterthirstodourroomyukkysmell
wonderhowpeoplebreathinhereshouldgiveoutfreemasksgermsandvolitilegases
beatlesrockparentschildrenstupidkidskarmawhatcomesaroundgoesaroundiam
quiteluckywithbadluckbutantidoteisherenexttomedoireallywanttodowellinthis
examforensicsdeadpeopleifeltdeadpresenceletsgocemetryyesletsgocycling
toenailsblacksnakesratsmoonbranchescoldwindniceonceinalifetimeyoulive
youngdieoldwhatdoyoureckonperhapsishouldjustletfaterockmeonlikehowith
asrockedmeonsofartakemeiwonderstoptalkingtomeiwonderrepeatrepeat....

I wonder.

Death-defying acts

2006-05-28T18:56:00.000-07:00

I started to think about what I should share with you today. Well, that night, my friends bought me a nice little bottle of Jack Daniels, which I indulged greedily...thankyou, Patrick and Riccardo.

I wonder how I would die. Have you ever thought about that? Perhaps I'd die of liver failure, as my love for whiskey grows. Perhaps I'd die of heart disease, as my heart rate is so feeble nowadays. Or...

I like to die by the time I have accomplished all the agenda I must achieve. Hopefully I shall complete that by 60.

1. Run around the end of the world naked.
2. Backpack Europe
3. Sky diving
4. Learn to speak 4 languages fluently
5. Find a nice place to live, somewhere, sometime, in this world.
6. If I can afford it, go to space.

Actually I have a whole list, that that keeps changing in its priority. So far, so good.

What's yours?

Looking...

2006-05-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

Fucking Frenums

2006-05-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

What are frenums? They're those things that attach your lip to your gums. Yes, pull your lips, and those weird floppy but tough tissues between the inner side of your lip, and your gums, are your frenums. Don't ask me why it's fucking, the two words just came into my head and I thought to share it with you.

(Ha, if you get to know me better, I realised I have a tendency to say what comes to my head, very sporadically. It's embarrassing, but at least it can be humorous......I think....)

What a week. Have you guys ever had a week where everything, and anything, just seems to get out of hand? Not to mention, that all those thing just blob together and pile on top of you, and sits there, smoking its cigarette, inhaling all the nicotine whilst you just bear all the polluted puff beneath, unable to breath? I think I feel like one now.

So much to say, yet with such limitations. My dentures for my patient was swapped with another, another patient's record went missing but later found, I found crusted blood on Cheesecake but later declared HEALTHY by the blank vet, I am in a strange relationship with people, but you know what? I think one of the nicest thing that a person said to me this week, was from one of my patient. He asked about my family, I briefly told him about it, and mind you, this is a man who I only treated once if not twice, prior, and i just poured my heart and soul to him. Not very professional, perhaps, but a patient is a friend to me, a person. Before he left, he said, if you need anything, give me a call. I laughed, shouldn't that be what I say to him?

So, what was it, out of this stormy week? I suppose, I learnt that I am cherished by people. At least, by some, who care enough to say it to me. Sometimes, words can make a day, a day into a painting.

It's colourful, it's worth it.

A day, that is worth it.

Cradle in a grave

2006-05-22T11:54:00.000-07:00

It is nearly 5am, I drunk 2 cups of long black, I am willed to be a zombie. Stupid periodontology seminar, it really can fuck up your exam preps.

Nevertheless, it is all done, and my initial intention of coming here to research on my seminar has precipitated to blogging. I spent a total of 6 hours on that bloody seminar. God, why, why?

I had the priviledge of seeing something that should be unseen last night. As a result, I had a mild asthma attack, and I counteracted with 1.5 cigarettes (yes, Gustav, I had another whole one after yours). Certainly mild entertainment. Today has officially been a drugged up body, my fingers smell of tar. Who am I?

I am dying for a resolution. Literally, dying. My eyes are so wide, everything's out of focus. Fingers shake, mind's racing. Hey, did you ever watch The Rules of Attraction? It's a strange film, it exacerbated my strangeness afterwards too.

There's too many things happening during this time. I need two brains.

Letter to the Unknown I

2006-05-21T23:44:00.000-07:00

Dear xxx,

I am quite surprised that mothers have a tendency to pry into the privacy of their child. another friend of mine, her mother also did what your mum did to your sis -signed into msn pretending she was her. it's atrocious, totally uncalled for, there's no RESPECT at all.

totally, man, move out. the fact that a family is 'supposed' to give you a 'home' feel, i.e., replentish the energy you lost during the day, it shows that this is not the way it is at your home. so, go.

my parents may go through a divorce, i am not sure. yesterday she sent me a text, saying that there will be changes. the thing is, ever since i was little i have always seen my mother pretty unhappy, because although my father is a great dad, he is a terrible husband. i have told her, numerous times, that her happiness is more important, you will naturally want to get out of something that makes one unhappy, right? so, divorce, get out, so what, it's your life! but...yesterday, after she said so herself, it did give me a little tremble in me. i don't know what to make of it, i am stuck in the middle, sure, i support my mum, but the thing is, my dad is so ignorant. he, of course, being the proud asian man he is, denies any problems with mum, even if i interrogate him, he just says i am a kid, don't pry into their relationships. i care about you too, dad, don't you know? but please, just don't ignore your wife's tears!

in a way, their relationship has put me off marriage, a lot. one of my earliest childhood memories are of them fighting, it's not great.

so, live it up xxx, you are full of great possibilities in your life. it's your decision, whatever you make, should make you, happy. That's the essential of life.

sure, i am sad that all my foreign friends are leaving soon, but, i am happy too, that they were in my life, even for a short while. At least i know, i have a friend i can look for there, where-ever I go to.

i got your text about your service. i am happy for you too, but why are you so happy anyway? i used to believe in the national service, but i think my mindframe has changed a lot. I don't support the army, because I don't believe in fighting for pride and greed. war is an arbitary expression. but, please, xxx, take care in the service.

do you get internet access/ mobile phone during the service?

your friend,

linda

I had a long, long chat with a friend last night. In fact, i had many long chats with friends, one of them, lasted for 1 or so hour standing in the corridor, reflecting, reminiscing, remembering...how we got here today, we look back at our footprints in the sand. The tides come and go, your imprints will wash away, but you are here, and that's why you are here.

Insight I

2006-05-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

"Dear Diary,

I don't get angry easily.

However there are certain things that does flare my temper up.

1. People who decides to bash up a 69 year old taxi driver, to get away from paying, steal his money and run away.

I don't remember anything else that makes me angry, for now. So I'll get back to you on that.

Oh yeah, I also forget them easily -which can be good...but sometimes bad. Perhaps some synapse is missing in my brain"

Cheers,
Linda

Do you feel it?

2006-05-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

Suddenly I had an urge to come to the library.

So, here I am. It's 9.25pm and there's a few more minutes till the library closes its gates.

I came here with the good intention to borrow books. You see, borrowing books makes me feel intellectual. The sheer physical touch of my hands onto these books, touched by so many intellectual people, makes me feel like, hell yeah, an energy transition. So I let it sit at the foot of my bed, collecting more intellectual dust.

Perhaps I should go back now. All this blogging is making me feel unintellectual and guilty.

Even a yo-yo has a place to bounce back to

2006-05-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

I pause at the keypad. I don't know what to write....or rather, which information through my chaotic mind, to share.

Anyway, I feel like that too.

I have realised many things in the past few months. As an accumulation of all that has happened through to this point, I begin to question my level of attachment to home. What is home, in your opinion? To most, it may be a geographical location, a person, a memorabilia, an art, a dedication, even your pet? To be frank, I don't know what home is anymore. I dare not say my country of birth as my 'home', as I would not give it credibility considering I am pretty much alienated from it. But what of Melbourne? If so...then what about Sydney? Do I even consider Australia my home? I think I used to...

I also realised that there are 2 main types of people: Nomads and Stables. A majority of people are 'orthodontically' conditioned to go down the Stable path -you get born, get some primary, secondary, tertiary education, perhaps marry and have kids, have a rough time at work, you die. Nomads, on the other hand, are the 'travellers' through life. They cannot stay at one place for long, on the go, always on the go.

Then there's the sub-categories: the transition phase from Nomads to Stables; and vice versa. Although nowadays the Stable trend is beginning to die off in our generation, we still have the urge to 'one day, settle down'. Do we not? How about you? Not I. Well, speaking as a 21 year old, who is dying to get away from all this, and yes, no. Perhaps in 10 years time, the answer to this question may differ vastly...who knows.

But I am one who does not like to be locked up in a pre-made coffin. Why follow the path when you can make your own? That's what I am talking about! If you can create your world, then the world indeed, is your playground.

Anyway, on a side note, for those who are not familiar with Centrelink.....it is a government funding blob established to 'help those in need'. Perhaps they need to return back to their English class and learn the meaning of their propaganda. It's a system rigged with holes, dictated by booklets, pamplets and weird-vibe staff. You probably were familiar with a story earlier last month where a rich guy managed to continue suck the money out of Centrelink....or rather, Centrelink was too stupid enough to see past the ticks and papers. No, don't talk, just answer the questions, TICK the BOXES, yes...that's right, then we'll just 'send it off' (to Transylvania) for the Count to suck the blood out of you....yes...

And God! I don't need anyone's pity, so don't say 'I understand your situation', because frankly, lady, you don't know me, and it's an absolute sin to use any 'understanding' or even referring to the word, to a total stranger. You are dealing with people with problems, sensitive issues, who come to you for help...it's such a 'pity' that they do not incorporate appropriate language use in their training! Think about it...imagine a world of doctors, dentists, psychologists, who lack such basic skills! Argh!

Living on the edge

2006-05-12T23:54:00.000-07:00

I am having a love affair with the internet.

My poor diary is sitting on my desk, craving my attention. My entries on paper has become redundent and empty; a list of thing ticked off and checked. Yet my hands are so lazy they prefer the click-clack of the keyboard.

On my way to the library, I saw a friend. I called out to him, we ended walking to the same direction. It turned out he is having trouble with a new relationship, where one cannot but think how it will end. A certain lack of chemistry, the spark; it's not there, and it's not enough. Smell a flower with no scent...is it still a flower?

On my way home, a friend spotted me. We chatted about life, its dramas, the path it can lead, our dreams and aspirations. He wishes to have his own Financial company someday in Hong Kong; I strive so to see more of the world. Achievements and aspirations; they are the key to success. It's a mental game; it's all in your head.

Every event that happens, is a reflection of our life as a whole. A microcosm that can represent the micros; the micros of one life; one life out of billions; billions out of the world. What about the people you meet on your way? In each and individual way, they help shape our perception. It does not matter if it was your math teacher who gave you detention for stuffing gum in the lock, the check-out chick who gave you $5 more as change; your good mate deciding to take her own life because all was bleak, or a silly movie that made your weep...everything that happens, happens so, for reasons that may only be known later.

Each event is a musical note; it may be of a different rhythm, tone, dynamic...what is the next note? Is it not music if all the notes are woven together to produce the sounds you hear in the end? You have the power to compose, alter, piece together your own score. Randomness is the key to variation; static pattern bores the ear -so what of the breakouts on your face? What is that I hear? Your nail just chipped? It'll grow back, so, oh, get over it!

Which leaves me one question for you. Do you ever feel like you are so, so much more than you are now? The feeling that this place is not quite enough; there is a bigger playground for you to expand your wings. That you are made for something bigger than the horizon, and knowing that, your heart beats faster?

Stuck on a wall

2006-05-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

:I have been secretly freaked out today.

Whilst my meeting with a 'friend' for lunch, we happened to go onto the subject of "Male brain". Such obscurity, is it so irrational? Are females all subjected to cruel 'potential' filters that friendship can be a mere stepping stone to get into her panties?

To impress the girl, to make her laugh, just to score one more point to making himself more applealing to her -is this always the case?

So what is this >"All men are dogs".

All?

Well, I have met some dogs of late, I hate to believe, yet I am unprepared to disbelieve. Sure, I have heard that 'ladder' theory you boys have, where you place girls on this ladder like checkers, the more potential, the higher the ladder. Sure, there are tonnes of books out there trying to distinguish between the minds of the bitch and the stud....am I to view my male friends with an eye of sceptisicm?

Yes, you. YOU!

Am at all loss here. Somehow that creature conveys my confusement.

So, my cards are all on the table, tell me what you read?

(Yes, it's a penis head. )

Happiness

2006-05-07T19:15:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been analysing my mood levels. Predominantly elated -and when that happens, a smile is contented on the face. But when I am tired, my face becomes lazy, and a smile is only given on certain give-able occasions. Is that selfish?

Currently planning what I shall do in the holidays. The last exam for me is 9th of June, which means I will have a total of nearly, 2 months, of holiday. Initially my parents wanted me to visit them in Taiwan, but I simply declined, frankly, I am getting bored. Instead, my mother will be coming over, which will be a nice change. Besides the fact that I shall be going to Sydney this time, what else shall I do? I am looking at Darwin, the Kakadu, perhaps passing Alice Springs on the way. Or, shall I be going on an adrenaline rush with Sky Diving? Perhaps doing a 90km cycling round on the Great Ocean Road (....too cold....)?

If only I know more people who likes to cycle, or do adventurous things. In many ways, I find myself so unsuitable for the course I study...

for all ye folks who party

2006-04-30T05:45:00.000-07:00

What is a hangover? It is basically, an over consumption of alcohol or the use of other drugs. You will most likely feel the sensation of extreme thirst (dehydration), feelings of extreme exhaustion, nausea, headaches, and in the likes of me, absolute shittiness, and decreased ability to spell.

An excess buildup of NADH plus lowered blood sugar level causes this response. This process is exacerbated with presence of alcohol. Excess NADH builds up and slows down gluconeogenesis in the liver, thus causing hypoglycemia.

For those who are too lazy to click on definitions:

alcohol: try a pub.
dehydration: drinking heaps of sea water.
nausea: why not try http://sifter.org/~max/disgusting.html.
headache: when there's little men pounding their fists inside your brain wall.
NADH: a particle that plays a key role in producing sugars for cellular respiration.
glucogenesis: just a fancy name to describe 'making sugars'.
hypoglycemia: not a good feeling. Lack of sugar, i.e., glucose starved.

So, let's get stuffed!

Sure, sure~

2006-04-29T00:43:00.000-07:00

One of my best cooking is spaghetti bolognese. Had that last night, mmm.

I: Help yourself; there's some more sauce in the pan.
(...)
I: (Pause) AH HA!! So that's why it's called a saucepan...omg...sauce-pan...?

Foolish, you may laugh. But yes, so came the revelation that a 'saucepan' is called exactly that. Revelation II: there are certain words I just take for granted. A board that stores cups -cupboard. Hmm, English is a strange language. What is the connection between a 'c' and hair (c-hair); or a 'c' with up (cup)? Unlike the Chinese language, where a character is composed of many other characters that illustrate the entire meaning of that word, the roots of English is quite foreign to me.

I learnt something today: How to search up journals in the library. Goddam, the world has so much books! How words are little tools of weapon that fabricate the society, its core the definition of our meanings, what meanings give definition of words, exactly? Just like the countries of the world, there are simply too many for a lifetime to read.

My day has sped quite terrifyingly. It is amazing how computers can dictate our lifes and change our daily schedules; why, it is sunset, and I have not yet begun my studies! (shock horror)

(Oh, cut out the crap, you were planning this anyway)

I enjoy the challenge of deciphering the blog template codes. Perhaps due to my analytical and detailed nature I find much thrill in self-education of the computer language. Again, characters and letters are so powerful it can change a whole visual outlook. So what shall the world be like, without characters, without words?

It makes me think that money are like words. They are THE currency to communication.

P.S. Confession: I did not bother locking my bike. My laziness has called me to cut out the time required to unlock and lock the lock. Yes, it's about time my lock retires, as the rain has begun to eat away its iron. Yet, perhaps my paranoia would be better traded off................................*runs*

Prelude

2006-04-28T20:22:00.000-07:00

For those cast in deep shadows,

pray thee for peace.

If life so kind can make a man weep,

The life itself is invaluably deep.

For all beauties lies dark demons,

Awaiting to terrify those who bleed.

Yet I cannot see why must,

The mirror reflect those we cannot trust.

Image is one thing; the mind is another,

Why must we torture when we can gather?

I shall say no more, for time is young.

Life is fleeting, yet it is not done.

Twenty times twenty, as decades pass,

Let's embrace all that the sun can cast.

Food for thought

2006-04-27T02:24:00.000-07:00

I used to prefer rainy, thunderous weather. So I am going to be treacherous and admit that the sun has tempted me. It, and the cloudless blue sky is so beautiful! It's like a canvas where many great artists has blue-washed the entire space with a blueness so 'deep' you can sink into it...

It's quite cold here in the computer labs. Often I have wondered why they must refridgerate people so we must go through the defrosting process once we hit the warm weather outside. A good sip of whiskey will be good now...hmmm...

So I spent 4 hours sleeping last night; I am hardly awake now as I type this slowly and gingerly. Words are a hard struggle; my neurons and synapses has probably collapsed under the weight of sleep starvation. Oh yes, I just remembered, I am indeed hungry. Hence, sincerest apologies, for food bid me good fortune.

the Weird and the Wonderful

2006-04-23T02:42:00.000-07:00

水 is perhaps, my strongest element. We all have the five elements in us- metal (金), wood (木), water (水), fire (火) and earth (土). Each governs a specific plexus in your body, some strong, some weaker. Your characteristic is also reflective of the stronger elements, and to which water, and possibly also, wood is mine.

So my question to you is, what is yours?

I have a dear fascination with vampires, werewolves, and gothic legends. Have you tried Kim Wilkin's writings? I would say it was through her imagination it triggered my impulse to watch Van Helsing, and googled for more about these figures. Currently indulging myself in Stoker's Dracula; it is quite enticing.

There is a strong vinegar smell oozing from the boy sleeping next to me. Firstly why is there a vinegar smell, I do not know; secondly, why is it specifically from him, I also do not know. But it is quite disturbing...I don't think computers and vinegar mix well, or do they? Poor, poor vinegary boy.

My achievement today: I am wondering that very question now. Perhaps you can say, having written in my journal (maunal) is somewhat regarded as an achievement...or even having taught a student today. But, sometimes, when you have achieved so much more in one day, some goals may be belittled by them, simply because it does not give you the same amount of adrenaline rush as those 'bigger' ones.

I like nature. If the world had teeth, I think I'd choose to be a earth dentist.

Taboo

2006-04-20T21:56:00.001-07:00

My piano teacher was convicted of a crime 1.5 years ago. He will remain stripped of his freedom for the next 13.5 years, during which I will be continusly writing to him. I ask not of his conviction and his purity, but remember the priviledge I have in accessing his musical knowledge. That shapes where I stand today, and let's not forget, you will drown if you burn a bridge.

So I do not understand those who turn their backs on him, if so not on a personal level. A person can be judged by many ways, and this is one of them. The question is morale.

A generation of crossovers

2006-04-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

I am not quite aware if you are famailiar with Maksim Mrvica (pronounced ‘Máravitsa’ with a rolled ‘r’ -and goddam it I am still trying to do the rolled 'r'). He is a classically trained pianist who revolutionised classical performance and audience with a new crossover with pop and contemporary spice. My first exposure to his music was through random download 2 years ago, yet it did not quite hit that chord back then. What made the new found impact was his A New World CD, which I purchased on a spur of a moment during a shopping spree in Taiwan. And must I say, I am impressed (and yes, that is Maksim-).

...now moving along...

I just had one of the most intensely leisured Easter holiday ever. My Good Friday was a departure to Wilsons Prom, with a bunch of friends-to-be. Despite the sad weather, I still managed to play soccer in the rain, swim in the sea in blistering cold, and win my first Poker game. Tuesday: off I go to Juggling Camp, this time to Bell Scouts Camp, in Nyora. I am now putting my 3 balls juggle in alignment, attempting 2 clubs juggle, and managed to improve a little on contact juggling and fire staff. Very juggly.

So, despite the horrid weather of the 1st camp, I am blessed by sunshine on the 2nd.

Say, what is the first thing you think about when you first wake up? I remember the many times when I slept for too long, and I missed a train, a bus, or the start of a lecture. My blood pressure would soar, my brain numb from stress and the first word I say, is 'shit!' I believe that the first thing in the morning really affects and dictates your mood for the rest of the day. So, for that entire day, because my body was not given a good adjustment period from sleep to wake, it felt weak, which added to my weak mentality for that day. Sure, good things can happen for that day, but the threshold to be 'happier' is greatly lowered.

It's important to have set goals for each day. Because time passes so naturally and subtly, you do not know its impact until it accumulate in the end, like the sand of an hour glass. In my journal, I express what I have achieved for that one day, from saving an insect from being squashed by something, to completing a task that was overdue long ago. Many of my achievements nowadays are more social...but the point here is, as long as you can pinpoint it, and acknowledge that something good happened, happiness will follow. Isn't it good to feel positive?

I feel the society nowadays has lost its track in life. Life ain't about surviving, it's about living. For those who can strike a balance between survival and to live, are the people who succeed, in all aspects. They are the people who can strike up a conversation with someone they have no connection with, yet are able to shout them a cup of coffee, admire the clouds in the sky, help an elderly with their shopping. They are those who can watch their own back without having to stab someone elses, but can be quick to defend a slap from a dog. They are those who are keen to soar the sky, but do not fear treading the overgrown path. They are the people who are not afraid to share their mentality, generous to share advice, yet cold enough to bite.

Have you met someone like that yet?

ah...

2006-04-09T18:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday:

Was planning to do some serious study, but yet again it did not work out. Landed myself in the pub, had a Hoegaarden, oh the lovely Dutch drink.

I plan to do some serious travelling in the near future. It may take around 4 years till I do hit the road, but meanwhile I need to attend urgent diplomatic matters first.

By 24 I should have gotten my Dental degree. I consider trying my best in this course, finally, as I consider doing a postgraduate/Masters overseas, somewhere in Europe. If that fails, I shall take up a music degree, hopefully through a scholarship, somewhere there as well. I may need to be a part-time student as I will be a dentist to support myself.....

Once I get my music knowledge I shall expose myself to more composition opportunities. With that in mind I will travel to listen to as many types of music there are, in the world, which means I get to do a lot of travelling. Yay!

Ok I just read what I wrote and god it sounds ABSURD. What the fuck am I doing here in dentistry? I just took 6 months off, so now I'm back in 3rd year again, as the unofficial part-time dental student (for the next 6 months..oh the sweet sweetness of non-commiting dental student), with the intention for me to appreciate what this profession can offer me. At least my year level is very cool, awsome bunch of querky interesting people, which makes the experience a whole lot exciting.

But I have to admit, once I complete a successful restoration, oh it feels so good. It's the antidote to my otherwise boring eventless day, and for that entire day I would feel like singing. So, let's just say, I am addicted to this rush....

I am now 21. A baby, they say. Time is young. Time flies. Hence youth is fleeting. At least, by 30, I would have figured out what the hell I am here for.